Rejection is Protection
(Sometimes, it is in a form of a
23-year-old)
This
year has been a learning curve for me. It had numerous lows and a few high
moments; but the good ones were just so amazing that looking back, I believe
the upside significantly outweighs the drawbacks.
January
(What a start!)
It
all started in December 2021. I broke up with someone I was in a relationship
with for 4 years. Over news from someone whom I thought was a trusted friend.
It shattered me and while I broke up with him, I thought we can mend things
when I'm back in the Philippines. You know, sometimes, we just need time to
reflect and recalibrate. That was in the second week of December. I went back to
the Philippines on the second week of January and had to quarantine for 2 weeks
due to the pandemic. I messaged him that I'm going home and lo and behold, the
man has moved on and verbatim said, "I am giving my heart to someone
else". While on quarantine and in the days after that, I tried to win him
again but to no avail.
Up
to the last days of January, I was trying to set things right for us but he had
made up his mind and was already seeing a 23-year-old girl. Who won't be
shattered? Well, that's an understatement.
February
(Month
of love but not for me)
March
(More revelations, tears, struggle)
I
went back to work immediately. To pull myself out of misery and depression, I
tried everything I could - journaling, exercising, listening to podcasts,
cutting out communication with common friends, and strengthening my
relationship with God. I even reached the point when I unfriended him on FB to
stop myself from checking his account and out of fear that I might see him
posting how happy he is with his new girl. In between cries, I would seek Him
and the cycle went on and on.
Sometime
this month, I was told that he shared with our co-workers what had happened. He
shared the wrong information that I believed, the moment we tried to patch
things up, the trust issues that he said ended everything, and he told them
that now he has a 23-year-old girlfriend. Stupid me tried to defend myself to
these people, but I know they believe his story way too good that they have
factored out the fact that he is now with another girl, after what? A few weeks
or a month of breaking up. Funny, they believed it all started after we ended
ours. Wow!
April
(Still
low and trying)
I
can still remember a friend saying he is rooting for me as I don't deserve all
this BS. However, my low self-esteem and self-worth at that time were telling
me otherwise. It was difficult for me to clearly think that in my whole nursing
career, I think this is the only time that I got incident reports twice and had
to speak to my senior for a reflective statement. Thank God they were resolved
without harming a patient.
May
(Why
is moving on so chaotic and slow?)
Honestly,
I believed everything that he said. That I was too vulnerable, dependent,
toxic, selfish, and untrustworthy. Those words kept on coming back and I
believed them although most of my friends said otherwise.
Plus,
the stupid me checked their social media accounts and I saw how happy the
23-year-old girl is and that he is showering her with things he did not even
dare give me. Hit like an arrow straight to my chest. Despite this feeling, I go
to work each day without showing it. I’m here to work and earn. As a breadwinner,
I do not have a lot of time to whine and be in misery.
June
(Can't stay this way forever)
It
was midyear and I was still feeling low. At one point, I told myself that I
cannot stay this way forever. I must tweak something in my daily life and
remember something great about this year. I have to move now or I'll be battling
this feeling forever.
After
few days of overthinking, I decided to change my environment and achieve
something for myself. I have always been planning to move out of this country
anyway. I remember telling him before that I would stay here for 3-5 years only
and go home. Of course, considering that he is not so eager to take the exams
and that the UK is not his country of choice (he wants to go to Australia ever
since), I wanted to be with him and create a family where we can be together
all the time. I even bought a residential lot for us. Decisions I thought would
benefit both of us.
Moreover,
with the current cost of living crisis, I must transfer somewhere, or else I
won't be able to fulfill my plans. I will just remain poor forever. And upon
experiencing the winter weather here, I know this is not the place for me in
the long term. I don't fancy the snow, the short daylight, and the drastic
change in weather in a day or two. This will just lead me to a more depressing state,
I guess.
So
then, I decided to research Australia and how I can transfer my registration
there. I know of very few people who were planning to do the same and have good
things to say about the place. I thought, why not. It sounds like a plan since
as much as I want to go back home soon and work again in that institution where
I met him, I guess, it is not as feasible as it sounds. For one, that
institution does not pay well or on time. Two, I have plans and investments to
expand, and three, I have a family to feed. I just can't go back empty-handed
and rely on tomorrow for whatever there is on it.
I
checked my account if I can make this Australian plan work. It will cost me a
lot but it seems to be beneficial in the long run. Honestly, the total cost is massive,
but I told myself to take one step at a time. Firstly, they pay better than in
the UK. Secondly, it is nearer to the Philippines so I can go home any time
that my schedule permits, and lastly, the weather there is far better than what
we have here in the UK. In addition, I have come to know that work-life balance
is being prioritized as well and that there are plenty of nature trails in the
area. My ambition at this point is simply to go somewhere I can stay for the long
term and create a family if that is aligned with God's plan for me.
I
started my CGFNS application on the 14th of June. After paying the fee, I
downloaded all the forms and tried my luck by approaching my friends back home
to have it processed for me. Lo and behold! Everyone, like everyone, I asked
for help and agreed without hesitation. Beginner's luck I thought. Of course,
knowing how private I can be, only a handful of people knew about this move.
Actually, only one person knows about all of these at the start. Speaking of
low-key, private life.
July
(My luck continues)
I
still think of what happened, and at times I still felt uneasy and anxious.
There were still days when I just stared at the ceiling and thought about what
if I did this or did not do that. Indeed, healing is not a linear process. It's
messy, and I hate that I cannot control my circumstances. I can't
dictate my mind to see the positive side of things all the time. I have tried
different strategies, but it seems I am not doing well up to this time.
Nevertheless, I try and try because I cannot just give up. I am reminded of
what my friend told me: If it's not happy, it is not the end yet. Look for the
silver lining. Or what if it becomes better than you have imagined?
My
processing of papers was going so well. My friends have the initiative to
follow them up without being reminded. I finished sending all of them - from my
university, workplaces, and Philippine and UK registration bodies in a span of
40 days. So quick for someone who had to do every communication virtually.
And
if this month is not as eventful as it is, in the last few days of July, I
received an FB friend invite from the 23-year-old girl. Funny, isn't it? All
this time, I thought I am nonexistent in their lives but it seems it's not how
it is. A friend even told me that maybe the girl is still curious about me and
that I am still a part of their conversations. Ooops! It looks like I am not
the only one who can't move on yet. Of course, I did not accept the invitation.
What I did was like and unlike one of her posts to give her the signal that I
hear you but it's a no. After all, she seems to be having her happiest moments
with him and she obviously has a lot of friends, she apparently doesn't need me
and my validations. Oh well, now I know how to create boundaries.
August
(Birth month of Leos)
Of
course, this is my month, so I have to make an effort to make it as lively as
possible. A Leo is strong and independent at heart. We don't just bow down to
life.
On
my birthday, my friends and I went to an arcade and had a good time. It was
great to be with friends who support and treasure you. I owe it to myself as
well to celebrate a happy birthday because, despite the many struggles, I still
have a lot to be thankful for.
A
few days after my birthday, I received an email that my CGFNS application was ready
for endorsement. Lucky me! Everything went so smoothly. Best birthday gift by
far as this means I can apply for an NZ registration and eventually get an AU
license.
Indeed,
the good Lord knows how to make things right in His time. This was just the starting
point, but I was optimistic that what I am doing is aligned with what God has
planned for me. Still, it's top secret to most people.
September
(Is
He making it up to me?)
If
the first half of 2022 was full of tears of sadness, the good Lord seems to
turn everything upside down and shower me with His grace. In a mere span of 4
months since I started my application, on the 20th of September, I
got my NZ License! Kia Ora! It was a moment of enlightenment and gratefulness. For
the first time this year, I wept for joy and thanksgiving. It felt like I was
reminded that no struggle is left unnoticed. Everything that has happened has
made me to how much better I can become. Yes, I was rejected, but in the long
run, I was apparently protected from something that pulls me off the things
that I can still do. That pain was like a push button for me to step up my
game.
Eager
that I was, I immediately applied for an Annual Practicing Certificate and was
granted it after a week or so! How great is thy God! It is clear to me that
this is aligned with what He has in store for me.
(Another
triumph!)
On
October 10th, I sent my application to convert my NZ license to becoming an
AURN. It was financially draining but it seems God is providing me with what I
truly needed. I was able to earn the amount that I pay for every step. A few
days later, I received my AHPRA registration.
This year, while battling loneliness, rejection, and self-worth, I got my fourth and fifth nursing licenses. Only a few people would know about this, but I celebrate and praise Him for He made me:
DEXTER SORATORIO, PhRN, KSARN, UKRN, NZRN, AuRN
How was that for being rejected!? or let's say protected. Wink!
Only
a few people can achieve this in their lifetime. But look where rejection took
me. Now, I have the approval to travel to other countries and work. Some might
say this is nothing, this does not define me at all, but currently, this is the
boost I needed to remind myself that the rejection and pain were not meant to
be my ending. There is no other way but up from this time.
But
of course, the process does not end there. This is going to be long and
winding. Just like life, it just goes on and on. But with the many supportive
people I came across, I really believe this is all for me.
I
began the next step of being assessed for permanent residency as soon as I got
my license. It was a bit challenging as I had to ask my senior colleagues from
past to present workplaces to sign my reference letter while keeping everything
out of the radar. But to my surprise, no one declined, and everyone signed
immediately. I don't know if it's me or them, but I must say, the odds are in
my favor all this time.
November
(It doesn't get any better than this!)
While
waiting for my ANMAC decision letter, I decided to take the IELTS as it is
necessary for my visa application. You see, I am aiming for residency and one
of the requirements is a good result. Of course, knowing me, only a few people
knew about my plan to take the exam again. For I know that it is always best to
face things privately. I studied in my free time and in between shifts, while in
downtime in the hospital or whenever I got the chance. I’ve done this before
but I cannot be too confident because I am fully aware that exams like this
need thorough preparation. After a month or so of reviewing, I took the exam on
the 17th of November. Funny though, the night before the test, I was not able
to sleep at all. Really, even a minute of sleep I did not get the whole night.
Nevertheless, I went to the exam venue praying fervently that I could answer
the questions and give a correct response. I did my very best despite the lack
of sleep and knowing that I have God to support me up to this time, I just gave
my all. Surrendering is the key.
December
(The best ending for 2022)
Two
weeks after I took the IELTS, I got my official result. Happy to get a total
score of 8 out of 9! How was that for someone who did even wink before taking
an exam, plus that I had to go to a night shift after the test? I lift
everything to Him. All glory is His! I know I could not have done all of these
without His guidance.
To
make my December 2022 way better than last year (of course the previous year
was chaotic), I also saved a certain amount every month since September to use
for my 'paying it forward' advocacy. If you may call it that way. I shared with
different groups a certain amount as they organize gift giving for several poor
members of the community. At least, in this way, I get to involve myself even
through small amounts. At first, I question my motive if I am really doing this
genuinely or just because I am still lonely and depressed. But I guess, no
matter what, I am doing something good with my time and resources. At present,
that is all that matters.
All
in all
(Planted, pruned, protected)
Looking
back to the whole of 2022, apparently, things happened for a reason and most of
it is to teach me a lesson or two. It seems every scenario was a dot that when
connected can create a well-balanced story. At first, when I was clouded with
grief, loss, and feeling of rejection, nothing really made sense. But now that
I have taken a few steps back, looked at it from an unbiased perspective, and after
I have taken the more challenging approach of moving on and surrendering to
Him, I can say that everyone who was with me on this journey - be it the
supporter or the antagonist has been instruments for God to show His love and
mercy for me. Maybe, He was reminding me of His presence, and that when I work
with Him, things fall into the right place.
Truly,
I was rejected by a man for my shortcomings and faults, but in the long run, it
seems that that move was geared towards pulling me out of more misery. Indeed,
I made mistakes in the past, did not become true to my words, and favored those
that I was not supposed to prioritize, however, in the end, it looks like those
were His ways of teaching me to trust Him more and molding me to become a
better version of me; mistakes do not destroy you but strengthen your beliefs
and character. Apparently, I was left on my own and was replaced by a 23- year-old
girl in a snap, but now, it seems that she was God's vessel for me to make
moves I cannot make, that is, to stay away from people who don't belong to my
present and potentially brighter future. They are not all bad individuals; they
were just not good for me.
I
do not know what the coming years will bring. Honestly, I am still anxious
about it as I grow older every year. But this year taught me the value of
surrendering. Everything that is out of my control does not really need to be overthought.
There is a God who knows what is best for us and His plans are always way
better than we can imagine. Like what happened to me this year, I planned for home, but God seems to want me to explore more.
Two
thousand twenty-two is a rollercoaster of emotion. A had my highs and deepest
lows. By far, I can say that this has been my best year of lessons and real-life experiences. I hope and pray that next year will be better. Despite being on my
own now and uncertain of finding love again, I am glad to have another shot at
being single. At least this time, I will not be as naive as I was. I will bring
with me the lessons that I acquired in this journey to make sure that I can be
my better self the next time if God willing. After all, like what I was always
told by friends and loved ones - most of the time, manly rejection is God's
protection. Mine came in the form of a 23- year-old.
Trust
in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In
all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs
3:5-6
