My 34th year of existence has been a learning curve.
By far, this is when I get to learn more about the realities of life. You see, I
am the type who keeps my circle small and low-key – my life private and away
from the limelight. I have passed the stage when I want to be the center of the
crowd. For me, that is not how life should be.
This year has taught me things that prove life is indeed a
learning process. I am viewed by many as someone who has learned a lot; but
little did they know that I knew nothing about the harsh realities of this
world.
I was always afraid to fail and be judged. Maybe that’s why
I don’t share a lot of myself in public. However, at 34, circumstances turned around that truly affected me and my plans. Worse, it indirectly became so public despite my effort
of letting things go privately. Nevertheless, it taught me a lot about myself
and the people that surround me. I won’t elaborate more on what took place, rather,
I want to focus on the learnings that I can apply as I continue with my
journey.
On top of the list is the value of self-love. Looking back
and having realized it now, it seems I loved another person more than myself.
Maybe, that is the main reason why I got disappointed and hurt a lot. My
friends have been talking about self-love for the longest time and I really
thought I understood what they meant. Little did I know, I am not living it day
by day. I was deeply attached to someone that I forgot about taking care of
myself and being confident of who I am and what I can bring to the table. Yes! Guilty
as I am, I was insecure and jealous. Characters that I did not know I possessed
for the longest time. At least, after all the tears and heartaches, I am now
loving myself more than I used to. It’s not easy, but I’m getting there.
Secondly, the value of true friends and learning the art of
separating the good and the questionable people. I always
keep my circle small. I am tagged as a silent person, but I can say that
whenever I am with my true friends, I am one of the loudest. I like to talk
about ‘matters that matter’, not other people’s lives and circumstances. That
is why when someone relays gossip to me, it will most of the time end to me and
never get to be passed to another person. At some point, my being nonchalant taught
me to become more observant of who to talk to. I learned this the hard way; as
someone I thought is a sister became one of the instruments I failed. But looking
back, I am thankful to her for doing so. It exposed me to reality.
Another life lesson that I learned this year is the goodness
of time and patience. Time and patience go hand in hand, they are like love and
kindness, forgiveness and understanding. I am a go-getter; and most of the time,
I follow a timeline in achieving my goals and plans. You see, for someone who
has waited all her life for things to happen, I don’t have the luxury of time
to wait some more – that was my mindset. At 34, and almost 35, He reminded me of
His plans being better than mine. Healing for instance won’t happen in a blink of an eye. How much more His plans for our good and improvement? Maybe, He is
telling me to take my time – that this journey is not yet over, but only beginning
to get better.
And lastly, this year taught me to surrender. At the start
of 2022, my prayer was ‘I will do everything I can, but I will let you decide
for the result’. It was painful and disappointing when the outcome was the
exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. It was devastating, to say the least;
but as time goes by, circumstances have made me realize that He truly is doing
what is best for me. It is still difficult to fathom up to now why He allowed
painful events to take place, however, a part of me believes that He’s in
control of the situation. Maybe, just maybe, He saw things I denied seeing, He
heard conversations I was too deaf to hear, and He made the moves I was so afraid
to do. In the end, or somewhere between now and in the future, this will all
make sense, I reckon.
Being thirty-five is scary and anxiety-triggering. Everything
is uncertain for me. As much as I want things to happen, I know that His plans
will always take over. Nonetheless, I surrender. Maybe, all in all, this is
what He wants me to learn. For the longest time, I act according to what’s in
my mind and pray without seizing and giving way to other possibilities. Now
that I have learned the value of surrendering and accepting His greater plans,
I want to believe that good things are coming.
With this, I lift everything to Him – the past, the anger,
the mistakes, the present, the single-blessedness, the journey, and the future
that I envision to be exciting. This will all be because of You Lord. I know,
that despite my imperfections, You are here and I will see your goodness while
I am here in the land of the living.
