Lead The Way

After 30+ days of being home and fighting agony, I’m on my way back to work. I don’t like the feeling of being away again and living life on my own, but I guess this is exactly what I need to heal, move on and regain my usual self.

I still cannot vividly remember how am I four years past. You see, all my life while working here was grounded to the fact that I can reach out to someone anytime. From now on, it will be a lot different. No more long exchanges of chats, no more greetings and no definite person to ask if I’m doubtful of my decisions. This is going to take a lot of adjustments; and honestly, I am afraid.

I am viewed as strong and independent by many, little did they know that I was being dependent to one person all these times that’s why I can convey this persona. That’s also the reason why he got cold as I was becoming too dependent and vulnerable towards him. Now that he is gone, every thing seems to go back to the beginning. The case is, I don’t know where the start line really is.

Nevertheless, I have to commence somewhere. I am moving on not because the feeling has vanished; but certainly because I have to. I am in no comfort to dwell in the past for a long time. It will come everyday, I admit – the burden, the heaviness, the questions- but I have to remind myself that no one can help me now. I will remember him still in every corner of my room, in my workplace, in the bus, everywhere I often go; for he always knows my whereabouts. But I am on my own now, as difficult it is to accept, he has a changed of heart and I am left with this heartache and darkness. 

I am thankful that I was back home when this feeling sank in. The damage was too much that I cried like I never did before. I did not even know I can cry a river, how much more an ocean, but I sadly did. I can’t say I won’t do that again especially when loneliness and homesickness are my biggest challenges here. But I will try, yes I will consciously try not to overdo it. After all, I got no one to comfort me from now on. I don’t want my family to be worried, I want them to see how strong I am in facing this chapter.

What happened has been a definite messed up. A lot of people got involved in a supposed to be story of two individuals. It all happened fast, hard and chaotic. I did not want anyone to feel that way even. This is a lot for me to bear, so much to endure, very consuming and draining.

I have talked to trusted friends about it. Thankfully they were available for me. But then I’ve come to realize that no matter how they comfort me, if I would not decide myself, I will always go back to square one.

As much as I am thankful to them for being there for me, I cannot always disturb them because of my unstable emotions. They have a life of there own, more so, problems  to solve and issues to consider.

One day, I happen to pass by a message in social media regarding rejections. And I thought, this applies to me.  It says, God allows rejections because He loves me. And looking back, maybe this is all God’s intervention. I always say, I wouldn’t let go if he didn’t. All the red flags were there but I remained blind. I broke up with him initially, yes, and I was hoping for a better reconciliation , but what he did were out of context. 

Maybe, difficult it is to comprehend, but God was there all this time. He involved so many people and made them instruments for me to see that I am not in the place He desires for me. I was furious, I was devastated of the so many revelations. I was even accused of being at fault why everything is happening, but I guess, it was Him who runs the show from the very start. He wanted me to see the real colours of the people I am dealing with, and at the same time, learn my lessons the hard way.

Realizing this is hard, how much more to accept it. I am still in denial that this is truly what is happening. At times, I still hope for a come back although I know that is next to impossible. He is very decisive, I hope I am too. All I know is I have to live with my new normal – on my own, without him; but with all the opportunities ahead of me.

I don’t know what comes next. A lot says , someone more deserving is coming. I hope he is, I just don’t know when or how. I am not jumping to another relationship immediately after what I have been through, that’s for certain. I just hope and pray that wherever God leads me from this day forward will be better than the one I was supposed to settle for.  

Lead the way, Lord.

 

DJSoratorio

23February2022

(In an almost 24 hour journey to London)

That one night

A few days ago, I had one of the most spontaneous trip with two of the most logical people I know. With what I am going through since December of last year, that was exactly what I needed to shed some light in my clouded sky.

Our conversations happened with neither any influence of alcohol nor partying, it actually just occurred one evening. While the breeze was cool, the moon was in its most beautiful shape, in the midst of the sound of running river water, and the soft voices of some locals. It was a perfect night to get drunk and wasted, but we opted for pancit canton, kikiam and squid balls, instead. It was the best decision ever.

I cannot remember exactly how our conversations started. I personally wanted not to mention about what I am going through for I want to forget. But of course, interesting topics branches out to different directions. And I know, the people I am here with only wanted to help and enlighten me. They know my story from the very beginning, what else is there to hide. It was not a one- sided talk actually, what made it interesting was that our topics change like the free-flowing river in front of us.

That conversation led me to so many realizations. One, that I may feel all alone for the one that I thought I only have chose to leave for another, but God will always guide me to the right people who will make me realize it is not the end. It was never easy to accept, I am still in the process; But I am thankful to these people for guiding me while I walk in the valley of darkness and heartaches.

Secondly, that night, I’ve come to realize that by being myself I have made an impact to the people around me; so why change for someone who decides to leave when things becomes an inconvenience. I am who I am for a reason. At times, I just have to be reminded that I am not what I think I am because of what happened or because of what one person said. That night, I realized the red flags were always there, I was just too blinded to see them with naked eyes.

That same night also reminded me that I am simpler than I thought. I am not a party person, I actually prefer small circles, and long, real, genuine talks. Surprisingly, that night, we did not express our thoughts loudly nor laugh at the top of our voice, we just conversed softly and slowly like 3 mature individuals who don’t take ourselves seriously despite of what is going on inside us. It was indeed a night of pouring our hearts out.

That night was also about me realizing it is not the end but actually the beginning of more possibilities. These people emphasized to me that I deserve to be in a better state. I am not saying I got the better side of the coin because it is actually not the case. What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to settle for what is there, nor blame myself for what was gone, but I have to exactly know what is aligned with my visions and goals. I don’t know what will happen next. What I know is He led me to this, He will guide me through this.

Moreover, I thank these two people who were with me when I needed true individuals  to be with. I always keep my circle small and never tell our story to numerous people, even if we say they’re trust worthy. I trusted someone before and got betrayed. I’ve come to a conclusion, I don’t need a lot of people to listen to my side and so I can justify my actions. We all need 1 or 2 persons to be there for us and make us realize we are not perfect, and we will never will. That it’s okay to make mistakes and admit it. And in any kind of relationship, one cannot have all the blames. For the longest time, I was made to believe that what happened was all my fault. It is actually not.

I am not saying that one conversation will change everything all at once. But just like the most spoken prayer that says, ‘give us each day our daily bread’, those words were exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.

Indeed, at times, one single act can change the course of our actions. For me, that was my turning point. From here, I will move forward along with the lessons of this chapter. I will not close my door to any possibilities but one thing is certain, from this time onwards, I will prioritize self love. Thanks to that one night.

 

DJSoratorio

Feb 19 2022

(Me in the midst of confusions, never ending questions and self- doubt)

(That one night happened on 17th of February 2022.)

Exact opposites

 Maybe we’re not really meant to be.

We’re exact opposites to begin with.

Maybe, we started at the wrong foot.

Maybe, we were not supposed to happen actually.

 

I vow for healthy stuffs, you have your vices.

It was a subject of argument but was eventually accepted.

You like to be the center of a crowd, I prefer my small circle.

Either way, we go where we are free to endeavor.

 

You limit me getting close with my boy friends, but I heard gossips about you and other girls.

I clinched about this, you react.

We can’t make both ends meet in this matter.

From time to time, this issue comes out of nowhere.

 

I want to spend most of my time with you, you think I’m being too clingy and dependent.

You were honest of your whereabouts, I tell whenever I’m asked.

I need reassurance, you said you don’t always love the person every day.

I say the words first, and at times, there was no reply. But you blurt them out on occasions, I must say.

 

I tolerated every red flags from the beginning.

I kept a deaf ear for years of negative comments.

I believed you’re not what they say.

I stood by what we have day by day.

 

Then the big fight came, all I asked was for you to reassure me and protect us.

But what you did is the opposite to my surprise.

You thought you’re doing nothing wrong, so you continued and played the game.

I blamed myself still for saying the words and for not weighing in.

 

I felt sorry and said sorry many times.

I pleaded and almost knelt if we spoke face to face.

We tried, you said, to salvage the relp.

Though, I can’t clearly see where it was tried to be saved.

 

When all we did was fight and throw harsh words.

Still, I explained, you did what you did.

Still, I asked for a chance, I asked for us.

Every word went to deaf ears and hardened heart up to the lasts.

 

Sadly, or maybe, it was more convenient  to find a new one than resurrect the old flame.

Maybe, we are really opposites, that when I knew the truth I wanted us back.

But you already had someone that made us three in the game.

You said I did betray you about certain matters I lack.

 

I said we can still make this if we both work for it.

We tried, yes you said we tried, but a fall back awaits, that’s the prob.

Now, I am shattered with pain and aching heart.

Still, I don’t want to let you go for a part of me still says we can make a new start.

 

A big part of you is already with someone else, just roughly a month after this all started.

That was fast, but you said you informed me ahead and I agreed.

That was fast, but you said you don’t want to hurt her again because of me.

That was fast for me, but I guess you needed that.

 

I cannot understand, my heart refuses to give up.

I cannot understand, why all of a sudden these are all happening.

I cannot understand, and maybe will never will.

But one thing I’m certain, what we had was true. I sacrificed a lot just like you.

 

I refuse to believe this is our final outcome.

The emotions and feelings are still as strong as day one.

I still wish and pray we can start all over and forget the now.

 If only there is just you and me in the picture, and our vow.

 

Now, I don’t know if I should stay hoping or let you be.

My mind says another thing, my heart says otherwise.

Me novice in love that’s what they say.

What I know is, I/ we committed together four years ago to stay.

 

I did wrong, you did wrong.

But it seems I’m the only one being blamed for what’s happening.

I don’t know how you do it, but I’m almost battered now.

I suffer while you go your merry way.

 

Maybe this is just a detour in our story, just maybe.

Too early to say but might be too late to save what could be.

I wish I am as strong as you, I wish I am as decisive as you, I wish I move on as quickly as you.

I wish we’re not exact opposites so I would know what to do.

But all things said and done, I still love us, I still love you.

 

 

DJSoratorio

08Feb2022

(at the verge of giving up)