Rejection is Protection (Sometimes, it is in a form of a 23-year-old)

 

Rejection is Protection

(Sometimes, it is in a form of a 23-year-old)

This year has been a learning curve for me. It had numerous lows and a few high moments; but the good ones were just so amazing that looking back, I believe the upside significantly outweighs the drawbacks.

 

January

(What a start!)

It all started in December 2021. I broke up with someone I was in a relationship with for 4 years. Over news from someone whom I thought was a trusted friend. It shattered me and while I broke up with him, I thought we can mend things when I'm back in the Philippines. You know, sometimes, we just need time to reflect and recalibrate. That was in the second week of December. I went back to the Philippines on the second week of January and had to quarantine for 2 weeks due to the pandemic. I messaged him that I'm going home and lo and behold, the man has moved on and verbatim said, "I am giving my heart to someone else". While on quarantine and in the days after that, I tried to win him again but to no avail.

Up to the last days of January, I was trying to set things right for us but he had made up his mind and was already seeing a 23-year-old girl. Who won't be shattered? Well, that's an understatement.

 

February

(Month of love but not for me)

 I was still in the Philippines most days of this month. My stubborn heart still won't accept the fact that he is not mine anymore. I still texted him but after a few conversations, he did not respond anymore. His last words were, “Stop. I don't want to hurt her again because of you". It pained me that I cried rivers, seas, and oceans. For the longest time, this is the only instance that my family and friends saw me in tears - over a boy who chose the easier path and never tried to salvage ours. Or maybe I was wrong; because he said he did try. But who's trying when you're already on the talking stage with someone else while you're having a rock-bottom relationship with another? But of course, it's just me.

 I went back to the UK in the last week of February. Still no words from him but his best friend had confirmed that he was indeed in a relationship. His parents wished me well, and I bid them goodbye out of respect. They were beautiful people in all fairness.

 

March

(More revelations, tears, struggle)

I went back to work immediately. To pull myself out of misery and depression, I tried everything I could - journaling, exercising, listening to podcasts, cutting out communication with common friends, and strengthening my relationship with God. I even reached the point when I unfriended him on FB to stop myself from checking his account and out of fear that I might see him posting how happy he is with his new girl. In between cries, I would seek Him and the cycle went on and on.

Sometime this month, I was told that he shared with our co-workers what had happened. He shared the wrong information that I believed, the moment we tried to patch things up, the trust issues that he said ended everything, and he told them that now he has a 23-year-old girlfriend. Stupid me tried to defend myself to these people, but I know they believe his story way too good that they have factored out the fact that he is now with another girl, after what? A few weeks or a month of breaking up. Funny, they believed it all started after we ended ours. Wow!

 

April

(Still low and trying)

 I still have my sleepless nights, my crying moments, my times of self-blame, and what-ifs. It was not easy as I live alone and had to put a straight face in front of my family whenever I call them. I'm just so thankful that I have a few trusted friends who were there to patiently listen to me and put some reason in my clouded mind.

I can still remember a friend saying he is rooting for me as I don't deserve all this BS. However, my low self-esteem and self-worth at that time were telling me otherwise. It was difficult for me to clearly think that in my whole nursing career, I think this is the only time that I got incident reports twice and had to speak to my senior for a reflective statement. Thank God they were resolved without harming a patient.

 

May

(Why is moving on so chaotic and slow?)

 I am beginning to be impatient with myself. I always have a timeline and a set goal for things. I have always been a goal-getter, and I seldom take no for an answer. But this experience is pure rejection; I cannot do anything about it. My friends have reminded me several times that this is for my advantage, my protection. To turn it around. Even a friend told me that it was my mom in heaven who is protecting me for he was not good for me. Despite the many good things I heard, I still can't let go of the thought that I was rejected. Maybe it was my ego or my self-worth that was once defined by someone other than me.

Honestly, I believed everything that he said. That I was too vulnerable, dependent, toxic, selfish, and untrustworthy. Those words kept on coming back and I believed them although most of my friends said otherwise.

Plus, the stupid me checked their social media accounts and I saw how happy the 23-year-old girl is and that he is showering her with things he did not even dare give me. Hit like an arrow straight to my chest. Despite this feeling, I go to work each day without showing it. I’m here to work and earn. As a breadwinner, I do not have a lot of time to whine and be in misery.

 

June

(Can't stay this way forever)

It was midyear and I was still feeling low. At one point, I told myself that I cannot stay this way forever. I must tweak something in my daily life and remember something great about this year. I have to move now or I'll be battling this feeling forever.

After few days of overthinking, I decided to change my environment and achieve something for myself. I have always been planning to move out of this country anyway. I remember telling him before that I would stay here for 3-5 years only and go home. Of course, considering that he is not so eager to take the exams and that the UK is not his country of choice (he wants to go to Australia ever since), I wanted to be with him and create a family where we can be together all the time. I even bought a residential lot for us. Decisions I thought would benefit both of us.

Moreover, with the current cost of living crisis, I must transfer somewhere, or else I won't be able to fulfill my plans. I will just remain poor forever. And upon experiencing the winter weather here, I know this is not the place for me in the long term. I don't fancy the snow, the short daylight, and the drastic change in weather in a day or two. This will just lead me to a more depressing state, I guess.

So then, I decided to research Australia and how I can transfer my registration there. I know of very few people who were planning to do the same and have good things to say about the place. I thought, why not. It sounds like a plan since as much as I want to go back home soon and work again in that institution where I met him, I guess, it is not as feasible as it sounds. For one, that institution does not pay well or on time. Two, I have plans and investments to expand, and three, I have a family to feed. I just can't go back empty-handed and rely on tomorrow for whatever there is on it.

I checked my account if I can make this Australian plan work. It will cost me a lot but it seems to be beneficial in the long run. Honestly, the total cost is massive, but I told myself to take one step at a time. Firstly, they pay better than in the UK. Secondly, it is nearer to the Philippines so I can go home any time that my schedule permits, and lastly, the weather there is far better than what we have here in the UK. In addition, I have come to know that work-life balance is being prioritized as well and that there are plenty of nature trails in the area. My ambition at this point is simply to go somewhere I can stay for the long term and create a family if that is aligned with God's plan for me.

I started my CGFNS application on the 14th of June. After paying the fee, I downloaded all the forms and tried my luck by approaching my friends back home to have it processed for me. Lo and behold! Everyone, like everyone, I asked for help and agreed without hesitation. Beginner's luck I thought. Of course, knowing how private I can be, only a handful of people knew about this move. Actually, only one person knows about all of these at the start. Speaking of low-key, private life.

 

July

(My luck continues)

I still think of what happened, and at times I still felt uneasy and anxious. There were still days when I just stared at the ceiling and thought about what if I did this or did not do that. Indeed, healing is not a linear process. It's messy, and I hate that I cannot control my circumstances. I can't dictate my mind to see the positive side of things all the time. I have tried different strategies, but it seems I am not doing well up to this time. Nevertheless, I try and try because I cannot just give up. I am reminded of what my friend told me: If it's not happy, it is not the end yet. Look for the silver lining. Or what if it becomes better than you have imagined?

My processing of papers was going so well. My friends have the initiative to follow them up without being reminded. I finished sending all of them - from my university, workplaces, and Philippine and UK registration bodies in a span of 40 days. So quick for someone who had to do every communication virtually.

And if this month is not as eventful as it is, in the last few days of July, I received an FB friend invite from the 23-year-old girl. Funny, isn't it? All this time, I thought I am nonexistent in their lives but it seems it's not how it is. A friend even told me that maybe the girl is still curious about me and that I am still a part of their conversations. Ooops! It looks like I am not the only one who can't move on yet. Of course, I did not accept the invitation. What I did was like and unlike one of her posts to give her the signal that I hear you but it's a no. After all, she seems to be having her happiest moments with him and she obviously has a lot of friends, she apparently doesn't need me and my validations. Oh well, now I know how to create boundaries.

 

August

(Birth month of Leos) 

Of course, this is my month, so I have to make an effort to make it as lively as possible. A Leo is strong and independent at heart. We don't just bow down to life.

On my birthday, my friends and I went to an arcade and had a good time. It was great to be with friends who support and treasure you. I owe it to myself as well to celebrate a happy birthday because, despite the many struggles, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

A few days after my birthday, I received an email that my CGFNS application was ready for endorsement. Lucky me! Everything went so smoothly. Best birthday gift by far as this means I can apply for an NZ registration and eventually get an AU license.

Indeed, the good Lord knows how to make things right in His time. This was just the starting point, but I was optimistic that what I am doing is aligned with what God has planned for me. Still, it's top secret to most people.

 

September

(Is He making it up to me?)

If the first half of 2022 was full of tears of sadness, the good Lord seems to turn everything upside down and shower me with His grace. In a mere span of 4 months since I started my application, on the 20^th of September, I got my NZ License! Kia Ora! It was a moment of enlightenment and gratefulness. For the first time this year, I wept for joy and thanksgiving. It felt like I was reminded that no struggle is left unnoticed. Everything that has happened has made me to how much better I can become. Yes, I was rejected, but in the long run, I was apparently protected from something that pulls me off the things that I can still do. That pain was like a push button for me to step up my game.

Eager that I was, I immediately applied for an Annual Practicing Certificate and was granted it after a week or so! How great is thy God! It is clear to me that this is aligned with what He has in store for me.

 

 October

(Another triumph!)

 While I was focused on these processes, honestly, I still go back and forth to what has happened. This is something I am truly hard on - being sentimental and unforgettable of events that at times it felt like it becomes self-inflicted. Sometimes, I still imagine sharing my success with him. Telling him how I made it, but I know he does not care anymore, and it looks like I am better off being on my own. Anyhow, I continue my Australian journey as the more I achieve it, the more I am convinced that God has a plan for me.

On October 10th, I sent my application to convert my NZ license to becoming an AURN. It was financially draining but it seems God is providing me with what I truly needed. I was able to earn the amount that I pay for every step. A few days later, I received my AHPRA registration.

This year, while battling loneliness, rejection, and self-worth, I got my fourth and fifth nursing licenses. Only a few people would know about this, but I celebrate and praise Him for He made me: 

DEXTER SORATORIO, PhRN, KSARN, UKRN, NZRN, AuRN

How was that for being rejected!? or let's say protected. Wink!

Only a few people can achieve this in their lifetime. But look where rejection took me. Now, I have the approval to travel to other countries and work. Some might say this is nothing, this does not define me at all, but currently, this is the boost I needed to remind myself that the rejection and pain were not meant to be my ending. There is no other way but up from this time.

But of course, the process does not end there. This is going to be long and winding. Just like life, it just goes on and on. But with the many supportive people I came across, I really believe this is all for me.

I began the next step of being assessed for permanent residency as soon as I got my license. It was a bit challenging as I had to ask my senior colleagues from past to present workplaces to sign my reference letter while keeping everything out of the radar. But to my surprise, no one declined, and everyone signed immediately. I don't know if it's me or them, but I must say, the odds are in my favor all this time.

 

November

(It doesn't get any better than this!)

While waiting for my ANMAC decision letter, I decided to take the IELTS as it is necessary for my visa application. You see, I am aiming for residency and one of the requirements is a good result. Of course, knowing me, only a few people knew about my plan to take the exam again. For I know that it is always best to face things privately. I studied in my free time and in between shifts, while in downtime in the hospital or whenever I got the chance. I’ve done this before but I cannot be too confident because I am fully aware that exams like this need thorough preparation. After a month or so of reviewing, I took the exam on the 17th of November. Funny though, the night before the test, I was not able to sleep at all. Really, even a minute of sleep I did not get the whole night. Nevertheless, I went to the exam venue praying fervently that I could answer the questions and give a correct response. I did my very best despite the lack of sleep and knowing that I have God to support me up to this time, I just gave my all. Surrendering is the key.

 

December

(The best ending for 2022)

Two weeks after I took the IELTS, I got my official result. Happy to get a total score of 8 out of 9! How was that for someone who did even wink before taking an exam, plus that I had to go to a night shift after the test? I lift everything to Him. All glory is His! I know I could not have done all of these without His guidance.

To make my December 2022 way better than last year (of course the previous year was chaotic), I also saved a certain amount every month since September to use for my 'paying it forward' advocacy. If you may call it that way. I shared with different groups a certain amount as they organize gift giving for several poor members of the community. At least, in this way, I get to involve myself even through small amounts. At first, I question my motive if I am really doing this genuinely or just because I am still lonely and depressed. But I guess, no matter what, I am doing something good with my time and resources. At present, that is all that matters.

 

All in all

(Planted, pruned, protected)

Looking back to the whole of 2022, apparently, things happened for a reason and most of it is to teach me a lesson or two. It seems every scenario was a dot that when connected can create a well-balanced story. At first, when I was clouded with grief, loss, and feeling of rejection, nothing really made sense. But now that I have taken a few steps back, looked at it from an unbiased perspective, and after I have taken the more challenging approach of moving on and surrendering to Him, I can say that everyone who was with me on this journey - be it the supporter or the antagonist has been instruments for God to show His love and mercy for me. Maybe, He was reminding me of His presence, and that when I work with Him, things fall into the right place.

Truly, I was rejected by a man for my shortcomings and faults, but in the long run, it seems that that move was geared towards pulling me out of more misery. Indeed, I made mistakes in the past, did not become true to my words, and favored those that I was not supposed to prioritize, however, in the end, it looks like those were His ways of teaching me to trust Him more and molding me to become a better version of me; mistakes do not destroy you but strengthen your beliefs and character. Apparently, I was left on my own and was replaced by a 23- year-old girl in a snap, but now, it seems that she was God's vessel for me to make moves I cannot make, that is, to stay away from people who don't belong to my present and potentially brighter future. They are not all bad individuals; they were just not good for me.

 

I do not know what the coming years will bring. Honestly, I am still anxious about it as I grow older every year. But this year taught me the value of surrendering. Everything that is out of my control does not really need to be overthought. There is a God who knows what is best for us and His plans are always way better than we can imagine. Like what happened to me this year, I planned for home, but God seems to want me to explore more.

 

Two thousand twenty-two is a rollercoaster of emotion. A had my highs and deepest lows. By far, I can say that this has been my best year of lessons and real-life experiences. I hope and pray that next year will be better. Despite being on my own now and uncertain of finding love again, I am glad to have another shot at being single. At least this time, I will not be as naive as I was. I will bring with me the lessons that I acquired in this journey to make sure that I can be my better self the next time if God willing. After all, like what I was always told by friends and loved ones - most of the time, manly rejection is God's protection. Mine came in the form of a 23- year-old.

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

 

That obligatory year-end review.

On to the next step. So help me God!

29.12.2022

 

 

 

34th to 35th

 

My 34^th year of existence has been a learning curve. By far, this is when I get to learn more about the realities of life. You see, I am the type who keeps my circle small and low-key – my life private and away from the limelight. I have passed the stage when I want to be the center of the crowd. For me, that is not how life should be.

This year has taught me things that prove life is indeed a learning process. I am viewed by many as someone who has learned a lot; but little did they know that I knew nothing about the harsh realities of this world.

I was always afraid to fail and be judged. Maybe that’s why I don’t share a lot of myself in public. However, at 34, circumstances turned around that truly affected me and my plans. Worse, it indirectly became so public despite my effort of letting things go privately.  Nevertheless, it taught me a lot about myself and the people that surround me. I won’t elaborate more on what took place, rather, I want to focus on the learnings that I can apply as I continue with my journey.

On top of the list is the value of self-love. Looking back and having realized it now, it seems I loved another person more than myself. Maybe, that is the main reason why I got disappointed and hurt a lot. My friends have been talking about self-love for the longest time and I really thought I understood what they meant. Little did I know, I am not living it day by day. I was deeply attached to someone that I forgot about taking care of myself and being confident of who I am and what I can bring to the table. Yes! Guilty as I am, I was insecure and jealous. Characters that I did not know I possessed for the longest time. At least, after all the tears and heartaches, I am now loving myself more than I used to. It’s not easy, but I’m getting there.

Secondly, the value of true friends and learning the art of separating the good and the questionable people. I always keep my circle small. I am tagged as a silent person, but I can say that whenever I am with my true friends, I am one of the loudest. I like to talk about ‘matters that matter’, not other people’s lives and circumstances. That is why when someone relays gossip to me, it will most of the time end to me and never get to be passed to another person. At some point, my being nonchalant taught me to become more observant of who to talk to. I learned this the hard way; as someone I thought is a sister became one of the instruments I failed. But looking back, I am thankful to her for doing so. It exposed me to reality.

Another life lesson that I learned this year is the goodness of time and patience. Time and patience go hand in hand, they are like love and kindness, forgiveness and understanding. I am a go-getter; and most of the time, I follow a timeline in achieving my goals and plans. You see, for someone who has waited all her life for things to happen, I don’t have the luxury of time to wait some more – that was my mindset. At 34, and almost 35, He reminded me of His plans being better than mine. Healing for instance won’t happen in a blink of an eye. How much more His plans for our good and improvement? Maybe, He is telling me to take my time – that this journey is not yet over, but only beginning to get better.

And lastly, this year taught me to surrender. At the start of 2022, my prayer was ‘I will do everything I can, but I will let you decide for the result’. It was painful and disappointing when the outcome was the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. It was devastating, to say the least; but as time goes by, circumstances have made me realize that He truly is doing what is best for me. It is still difficult to fathom up to now why He allowed painful events to take place, however, a part of me believes that He’s in control of the situation. Maybe, just maybe, He saw things I denied seeing, He heard conversations I was too deaf to hear, and He made the moves I was so afraid to do. In the end, or somewhere between now and in the future, this will all make sense, I reckon.  

Being thirty-five is scary and anxiety-triggering. Everything is uncertain for me. As much as I want things to happen, I know that His plans will always take over. Nonetheless, I surrender. Maybe, all in all, this is what He wants me to learn. For the longest time, I act according to what’s in my mind and pray without seizing and giving way to other possibilities. Now that I have learned the value of surrendering and accepting His greater plans, I want to believe that good things are coming.

With this, I lift everything to Him – the past, the anger, the mistakes, the present, the single-blessedness, the journey, and the future that I envision to be exciting. This will all be because of You Lord. I know, that despite my imperfections, You are here and I will see your goodness while I am here in the land of the living.

 

28th of July 2022

A few days to my 35th Birthday

Time...

One day, I will smile genuinely again.
One day, I will say I am not completely to blame.
One day, I will get up and not think about what was.
One day, I'll only think of my worth and you'll be brushed.

Time will come, I'll be better than I am now.
Time will come, I'll laugh and be merry not just for a show.
Time will come, and I can finally say it happened, wow!
Time will heal and cure thy heart though it'll be slow.

In the future, I will see why it all happened.
In the future, I will say thanks for the hurt and the experience.
In the near future, I will feel the right kind of love - deep and undivided.

The future will tell that today is preparing me for the better, Yes! contentment.

While in this, I will try to do better and learn more.
While here, I will spend life being thankful for what I have.
While I'm not at my best, I will take care of myself and try again and again.
While I'm at my lowest, I will see to it I get something out of this.

I acknowledge this isn't easy.
It'll be backward, forward, inward, outward -
repetitive movement for me.
Although I know things will get better day by day,
I just hope and pray for Him to guide me all the way.

I surrender for everything is under Your control.
I pray like I know nothing and You play the ball.
I lift everything for You know what's right.
Don't give up on me; We're together in this fight.


2-June2022
00:43

Random thoughts on a night shift

untitled...

For years I have not cried like I did that time.

For a long while,  I thought the hurt’s going to linger.

For days and weeks, I can’t find words to describe

The feeling, the pain, the anger brought by you not being in my side.

 

You were my world, my day, my everything.

My bad, I made you the centre of my universe.

When I for you was someone who can easily be replaced.

With doubt, I question your love now that I’m awakened.

 

Maybe, I shed tears not for you and you alone.

I cried rivers because losing you means wasting years of my life.

Maybe, I was so emotional not because I lost a person,

But mainly because I have no one to connect with for whatever reason.

 

I believed in us despite people’s impression.

I thought we will be different and that ours will go on.

I reckoned we can make it work even through distance.

The least I know, miles will grow us a part in one glance.

 

Maybe, it was supposed to happen.

Maybe, it was a redirection or a blessing.

As much as I would want to rectify and grieve what’s now not.

I should let go and move on because you’ve done the same in an instant.

 

I have to begin somewhere, somehow.

I have to see the good in the bad anyhow.

I have to show the people who root for me I can stand again.

I have to start living my life without you- my once day and night and in between.

 

 

DJSoratorio

13April2022

On my way to see the bestfriend

Lead The Way

After 30+ days of being home and fighting agony, I’m on my way back to work. I don’t like the feeling of being away again and living life on my own, but I guess this is exactly what I need to heal, move on and regain my usual self.

I still cannot vividly remember how am I four years past. You see, all my life while working here was grounded to the fact that I can reach out to someone anytime. From now on, it will be a lot different. No more long exchanges of chats, no more greetings and no definite person to ask if I’m doubtful of my decisions. This is going to take a lot of adjustments; and honestly, I am afraid.

I am viewed as strong and independent by many, little did they know that I was being dependent to one person all these times that’s why I can convey this persona. That’s also the reason why he got cold as I was becoming too dependent and vulnerable towards him. Now that he is gone, every thing seems to go back to the beginning. The case is, I don’t know where the start line really is.

Nevertheless, I have to commence somewhere. I am moving on not because the feeling has vanished; but certainly because I have to. I am in no comfort to dwell in the past for a long time. It will come everyday, I admit – the burden, the heaviness, the questions- but I have to remind myself that no one can help me now. I will remember him still in every corner of my room, in my workplace, in the bus, everywhere I often go; for he always knows my whereabouts. But I am on my own now, as difficult it is to accept, he has a changed of heart and I am left with this heartache and darkness. 

I am thankful that I was back home when this feeling sank in. The damage was too much that I cried like I never did before. I did not even know I can cry a river, how much more an ocean, but I sadly did. I can’t say I won’t do that again especially when loneliness and homesickness are my biggest challenges here. But I will try, yes I will consciously try not to overdo it. After all, I got no one to comfort me from now on. I don’t want my family to be worried, I want them to see how strong I am in facing this chapter.

What happened has been a definite messed up. A lot of people got involved in a supposed to be story of two individuals. It all happened fast, hard and chaotic. I did not want anyone to feel that way even. This is a lot for me to bear, so much to endure, very consuming and draining.

I have talked to trusted friends about it. Thankfully they were available for me. But then I’ve come to realize that no matter how they comfort me, if I would not decide myself, I will always go back to square one.

As much as I am thankful to them for being there for me, I cannot always disturb them because of my unstable emotions. They have a life of there own, more so, problems  to solve and issues to consider.

One day, I happen to pass by a message in social media regarding rejections. And I thought, this applies to me.  It says, God allows rejections because He loves me. And looking back, maybe this is all God’s intervention. I always say, I wouldn’t let go if he didn’t. All the red flags were there but I remained blind. I broke up with him initially, yes, and I was hoping for a better reconciliation , but what he did were out of context. 

Maybe, difficult it is to comprehend, but God was there all this time. He involved so many people and made them instruments for me to see that I am not in the place He desires for me. I was furious, I was devastated of the so many revelations. I was even accused of being at fault why everything is happening, but I guess, it was Him who runs the show from the very start. He wanted me to see the real colours of the people I am dealing with, and at the same time, learn my lessons the hard way.

Realizing this is hard, how much more to accept it. I am still in denial that this is truly what is happening. At times, I still hope for a come back although I know that is next to impossible. He is very decisive, I hope I am too. All I know is I have to live with my new normal – on my own, without him; but with all the opportunities ahead of me.

I don’t know what comes next. A lot says , someone more deserving is coming. I hope he is, I just don’t know when or how. I am not jumping to another relationship immediately after what I have been through, that’s for certain. I just hope and pray that wherever God leads me from this day forward will be better than the one I was supposed to settle for.  

Lead the way, Lord.

 

DJSoratorio

23February2022

(In an almost 24 hour journey to London)

That one night

A few days ago, I had one of the most spontaneous trip with two of the most logical people I know. With what I am going through since December of last year, that was exactly what I needed to shed some light in my clouded sky.

Our conversations happened with neither any influence of alcohol nor partying, it actually just occurred one evening. While the breeze was cool, the moon was in its most beautiful shape, in the midst of the sound of running river water, and the soft voices of some locals. It was a perfect night to get drunk and wasted, but we opted for pancit canton, kikiam and squid balls, instead. It was the best decision ever.

I cannot remember exactly how our conversations started. I personally wanted not to mention about what I am going through for I want to forget. But of course, interesting topics branches out to different directions. And I know, the people I am here with only wanted to help and enlighten me. They know my story from the very beginning, what else is there to hide. It was not a one- sided talk actually, what made it interesting was that our topics change like the free-flowing river in front of us.

That conversation led me to so many realizations. One, that I may feel all alone for the one that I thought I only have chose to leave for another, but God will always guide me to the right people who will make me realize it is not the end. It was never easy to accept, I am still in the process; But I am thankful to these people for guiding me while I walk in the valley of darkness and heartaches.

Secondly, that night, I’ve come to realize that by being myself I have made an impact to the people around me; so why change for someone who decides to leave when things becomes an inconvenience. I am who I am for a reason. At times, I just have to be reminded that I am not what I think I am because of what happened or because of what one person said. That night, I realized the red flags were always there, I was just too blinded to see them with naked eyes.

That same night also reminded me that I am simpler than I thought. I am not a party person, I actually prefer small circles, and long, real, genuine talks. Surprisingly, that night, we did not express our thoughts loudly nor laugh at the top of our voice, we just conversed softly and slowly like 3 mature individuals who don’t take ourselves seriously despite of what is going on inside us. It was indeed a night of pouring our hearts out.

That night was also about me realizing it is not the end but actually the beginning of more possibilities. These people emphasized to me that I deserve to be in a better state. I am not saying I got the better side of the coin because it is actually not the case. What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to settle for what is there, nor blame myself for what was gone, but I have to exactly know what is aligned with my visions and goals. I don’t know what will happen next. What I know is He led me to this, He will guide me through this.

Moreover, I thank these two people who were with me when I needed true individuals  to be with. I always keep my circle small and never tell our story to numerous people, even if we say they’re trust worthy. I trusted someone before and got betrayed. I’ve come to a conclusion, I don’t need a lot of people to listen to my side and so I can justify my actions. We all need 1 or 2 persons to be there for us and make us realize we are not perfect, and we will never will. That it’s okay to make mistakes and admit it. And in any kind of relationship, one cannot have all the blames. For the longest time, I was made to believe that what happened was all my fault. It is actually not.

I am not saying that one conversation will change everything all at once. But just like the most spoken prayer that says, ‘give us each day our daily bread’, those words were exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.

Indeed, at times, one single act can change the course of our actions. For me, that was my turning point. From here, I will move forward along with the lessons of this chapter. I will not close my door to any possibilities but one thing is certain, from this time onwards, I will prioritize self love. Thanks to that one night.

 

DJSoratorio

Feb 19 2022

(Me in the midst of confusions, never ending questions and self- doubt)

(That one night happened on 17th of February 2022.)

Exact opposites

 Maybe we’re not really meant to be.

We’re exact opposites to begin with.

Maybe, we started at the wrong foot.

Maybe, we were not supposed to happen actually.

 

I vow for healthy stuffs, you have your vices.

It was a subject of argument but was eventually accepted.

You like to be the center of a crowd, I prefer my small circle.

Either way, we go where we are free to endeavor.

 

You limit me getting close with my boy friends, but I heard gossips about you and other girls.

I clinched about this, you react.

We can’t make both ends meet in this matter.

From time to time, this issue comes out of nowhere.

 

I want to spend most of my time with you, you think I’m being too clingy and dependent.

You were honest of your whereabouts, I tell whenever I’m asked.

I need reassurance, you said you don’t always love the person every day.

I say the words first, and at times, there was no reply. But you blurt them out on occasions, I must say.

 

I tolerated every red flags from the beginning.

I kept a deaf ear for years of negative comments.

I believed you’re not what they say.

I stood by what we have day by day.

 

Then the big fight came, all I asked was for you to reassure me and protect us.

But what you did is the opposite to my surprise.

You thought you’re doing nothing wrong, so you continued and played the game.

I blamed myself still for saying the words and for not weighing in.

 

I felt sorry and said sorry many times.

I pleaded and almost knelt if we spoke face to face.

We tried, you said, to salvage the relp.

Though, I can’t clearly see where it was tried to be saved.

 

When all we did was fight and throw harsh words.

Still, I explained, you did what you did.

Still, I asked for a chance, I asked for us.

Every word went to deaf ears and hardened heart up to the lasts.

 

Sadly, or maybe, it was more convenient  to find a new one than resurrect the old flame.

Maybe, we are really opposites, that when I knew the truth I wanted us back.

But you already had someone that made us three in the game.

You said I did betray you about certain matters I lack.

 

I said we can still make this if we both work for it.

We tried, yes you said we tried, but a fall back awaits, that’s the prob.

Now, I am shattered with pain and aching heart.

Still, I don’t want to let you go for a part of me still says we can make a new start.

 

A big part of you is already with someone else, just roughly a month after this all started.

That was fast, but you said you informed me ahead and I agreed.

That was fast, but you said you don’t want to hurt her again because of me.

That was fast for me, but I guess you needed that.

 

I cannot understand, my heart refuses to give up.

I cannot understand, why all of a sudden these are all happening.

I cannot understand, and maybe will never will.

But one thing I’m certain, what we had was true. I sacrificed a lot just like you.

 

I refuse to believe this is our final outcome.

The emotions and feelings are still as strong as day one.

I still wish and pray we can start all over and forget the now.

 If only there is just you and me in the picture, and our vow.

 

Now, I don’t know if I should stay hoping or let you be.

My mind says another thing, my heart says otherwise.

Me novice in love that’s what they say.

What I know is, I/ we committed together four years ago to stay.

 

I did wrong, you did wrong.

But it seems I’m the only one being blamed for what’s happening.

I don’t know how you do it, but I’m almost battered now.

I suffer while you go your merry way.

 

Maybe this is just a detour in our story, just maybe.

Too early to say but might be too late to save what could be.

I wish I am as strong as you, I wish I am as decisive as you, I wish I move on as quickly as you.

I wish we’re not exact opposites so I would know what to do.

But all things said and done, I still love us, I still love you.

 

 

DJSoratorio

08Feb2022

(at the verge of giving up)