Dealing with the Unfamiliar

Growing up, I have faced a lot of unfamiliar challenges. Circumstances that molded me and widened my horizon to what life really is all about. It's not easy, nor it is a bed of roses. But I go on, for I have always believed that the unfamiliar is part of my adventure. They make the story more interesting and fascinating.

#TheUnfamiliar

At present, I am at the peak of an unfamiliar feeling. It's not something I have felt before. But it is something I have heard of from the many who have taken the risks earlier than I did. It's the feeling of being broken - heart broken.

#AdmissionTest

At last, I said it! Yes, my heart is in a stage right now when its pieces aren't in their right placement. I used to call unfamiliar, unwelcome emotions as ''a loss of momentum" , " a temporary halt", "a wake up call" but this one is new, it's at a higher level, and I haven't thought of a name for it - except, simply, being heartbroken.

If I dig deeper into it, no matter what I call this feeling, the bottom point will always be the same. I am hurt, and torn to bits and pieces because of things I did and did not do. Nevertheless, it's a valid emotion. It is something I can cope with in due time. Something to embrace and familiarize, so whenever the "next time" comes (but I fervently hope, it won't), it wouldn't be as excruciating as it is right now.

#FeelingsintoWords

Let me describe how it actually feels, in my very own, first- time perspective. The moment it happened, it's actually not as bad. I have anticipated that when the odds won't be in my favor, it's going to hurt. So the instance I heard it, it took me about 3 seconds to digest what he just said, and pause, then okay. I was fine, I was able to converse and find logic in it. It was the right thing, the most practical way, to do. No demands, it's expected.

As the exchange of thoughts and feeling continues, I began to realize the overwhelming sentiment of being broken. I tried to put it on  the back of my mind and talk like the "third person" not involved in the present conversation. In short, I deny the state. I dismiss it.

#FightingthePain

I try and try to fight the heaviness in my heart. Breathing in and out, changing position, focusing on something from the distance, imagining a more favorable scenario, laughing at myself and the present situation I am in right now. But, it's never going to a change a thing. I end up with, " Face it! You're broken".

The night ends, the inevitable goodbyes say hello. I try to give a strong- okay-I'm-good-and-that's-expected impression. I walk and never look back. Good for me, I didn't cry at this point, when most of the ladies I know in movies will cry their hearts out while hiding in a dark room. Maybe, just maybe, I'm still holding on to my chosen impression. ^^

#AtthefirstRayofSun

And the next morning comes. Yoo-hoo! This is when it all rushed into my hard head. The emptiness, the crushing feeling, the feeling of being lost and couldn't be found. This is when I badly needed someone to direct my emotions and actions. This is when I decide that I need to call a friend. This is the moment that I realize that no man is an island, so I will depend. This day is history for me! In the almost 3 decades of my life, I have been in control of my situation. I take the lead. I drop the bomb when I want to, I carry on based on my orders, I live my life, I formulate my plan, I welcome or reject people, I decide.

#TheTurningPoint

But that morning changed my momentum. I am not in control. I am rejected. I am not chosen. I am left alone. I am not at the top of the priority list. What's worse? The very person who made me feel this way informed me- this same morning- that he is somewhere far away and wonderful with the chosen one. And I was like, " You gotta be kidding me!?". I. Am. So. Doomed!

Still, the tears didn't fall. I'm a bit allergic to crying, I must say. But that does not mean that I am not feeling crushed, ground, pressed, pounded and torn. I am. However, crying isn't an option, I'm reminding myself.

Not too long ago, I came across someone who influenced me not to bury myself into the sea of tears whenever difficult situations arise. Instead, acknowledge the feeling and think of it as a stepping stone towards being a better version of you. Use most of your brain and quiet your heart at this time. Better days are coming, the cliche.

#AlmosttheEnd

Then, like a caterpillar crawling on a branch, afternoon comes without any urgency. I think of things to do. I plan for the next day, I ask friends for unplanned outings, I want to watch movies that never really interests me, I want to cook something only to realize I don't have the needed ingredients, I think of better ways to spend the remaining time of my highly historical day. Then, an idea rushed through me, it's a weekend and I can go out with a trusted friend and attend The Feast. Praise God, she's available for some holy hours.

Thanks be to God for happy places situated near me. So I get up, get dressed, flaunt the beautiful me and hit the ramp. At this point, I am still the broken me. Nothing has changed. Maybe, just how I deal with the brokenness. I exchange messages with a trusted friend along the way, venting out every detail of my unfamiliar experience. I listen and almost shed a tear, but still, nothing comes out.

Maybe, just maybe, I do not cry because I know that I did the right thing. Loving, expressing and letting go all at the same time is no joke. It's mind- boggling, heart crushing, and definitely, body numbing. But, knowing that it's the right thing to do makes this experience easier to handle. At least, I took the risk even if the odds aren't in my favor even at the beginning.

#WhiteFlagUp

God is really good. In this time of confusion, emptiness and brokenness, she sent me to a happy place with this friend of mine who is very willing to listen and make me understand everything. I guess, the turning point of it all is when the preacher asked the attendees who among us are sick? Anxious? Depressed? Financially challenged? Confused? Broken? There you go! I raised my hand and admit it, acknowledging the fact that I am broken inside and I am surrendering everything to Him.

A raise of hand is a very simple gesture, but utterly liberating. It's like telling the all too powerful God that "Father! I am here. I am presenting my broken self to you, touch me with your healing hands." For someone who does not accept defeat easily, nor acknowledge being not in control of the situation, this is something for the books.

I focused all my attention to what the preacher has to say. And then he said,"who among you here, despite being sick, anxious, depressed, or broken, believes that he/ she is blessed?" And again, there I am, lifting my hands higher than before, smiling and quietly telling myself that, " yes, you are broken right now but this is not your ending, better days are coming." Hurray for positive thinking!:)

 #SpuroftheMoment

I never had the intention to blurt everything out to her. But then after The Feast and while we're having a feast on the table, she asks and I just can't deny it. Yes, I am, at some sort, seeing someone, but the big twist is- it's complicated. Another huge twist, the complication has been decided yesterday and I am left broken. Spur of the moment! There I am telling her everything I have kept for the past 24 hours. With an exception of only sharing it to a long distant friend whom I am always thankful to have.

I have no intention of communicating this to a bigger crowd of two. In this age of highly-advanced technology, gossips, stories rather, travel faster than the speed of light. It's not very practical to announce you brokenness to a crowd of curious individuals. I have learned to keep a straight face and choose the best people to express it with. After all, I understand how this world evolves. Plus, it's safer this way. ;)

#ClearAsWater

I ended the day with a clearer mind. I couldn't be more grateful for friends who held my hand and tell in my face that this is the situation and you are dealing it the right way. I am even told that I am still being level-headed in handling it! Nice work for me! After all, experiencing it for the first time and reacting in a logical manner is a talent I never knew I possess.

#LongAndWindingRoad

This is going to be a long journey of ups and downs. This is going to be a circus of emotions from the first ray of light until who knows when. This is going to be a hard battle to fight. This is going to be an unfamiliar road that I have to pass. This is not going to be a bed of roses, nor a stroll at the park. This is not going to be an easy mask to wear, nor an interesting number in a party. This is not going to be just a romantic-comedy movie being flashed on the screen.This is my heart being broken for the very first time.

Yes, I acknowledge, I may trip once in a while during this unfamiliar journey. I just hope and pray that despite bruised knees, and a broken heart, I will come out of it with a wider perspective and a better understanding of what love is.

#LoveIs

Love is giving. Love is being kind. Love is a serious matter. Love is handling things based on what is right. Love must be felt and shown. Love is mutual trust. Love is spending time with the person. Love is giving him/her a part of you. Love is sharing your best and worst. Love is not judging. Love is not a joke. Love is loving deeply, setting free, and letting go.