I still cannot vividly remember how am I four years past. You see, all my life while working here was grounded to the fact that I can reach out to someone anytime. From now on, it will be a lot different. No more long exchanges of chats, no more greetings and no definite person to ask if I’m doubtful of my decisions. This is going to take a lot of adjustments; and honestly, I am afraid.
I am viewed as strong and independent by many, little did they know that I was being dependent to one person all these times that’s why I can convey this persona. That’s also the reason why he got cold as I was becoming too dependent and vulnerable towards him. Now that he is gone, every thing seems to go back to the beginning. The case is, I don’t know where the start line really is.
Nevertheless, I have to commence somewhere. I am moving on not because the feeling has vanished; but certainly because I have to. I am in no comfort to dwell in the past for a long time. It will come everyday, I admit – the burden, the heaviness, the questions- but I have to remind myself that no one can help me now. I will remember him still in every corner of my room, in my workplace, in the bus, everywhere I often go; for he always knows my whereabouts. But I am on my own now, as difficult it is to accept, he has a changed of heart and I am left with this heartache and darkness.
I am thankful that I was back home when this feeling sank in. The damage was too much that I cried like I never did before. I did not even know I can cry a river, how much more an ocean, but I sadly did. I can’t say I won’t do that again especially when loneliness and homesickness are my biggest challenges here. But I will try, yes I will consciously try not to overdo it. After all, I got no one to comfort me from now on. I don’t want my family to be worried, I want them to see how strong I am in facing this chapter.
What happened has been a definite messed up. A lot of people got involved in a supposed to be story of two individuals. It all happened fast, hard and chaotic. I did not want anyone to feel that way even. This is a lot for me to bear, so much to endure, very consuming and draining.
I have talked to trusted friends about it. Thankfully they were available for me. But then I’ve come to realize that no matter how they comfort me, if I would not decide myself, I will always go back to square one.
As much as I am thankful to them for being there for me, I cannot always disturb them because of my unstable emotions. They have a life of there own, more so, problems to solve and issues to consider.
One day, I happen to pass by a message in social media regarding rejections. And I thought, this applies to me. It says, God allows rejections because He loves me. And looking back, maybe this is all God’s intervention. I always say, I wouldn’t let go if he didn’t. All the red flags were there but I remained blind. I broke up with him initially, yes, and I was hoping for a better reconciliation , but what he did were out of context.
Maybe, difficult it is to comprehend, but God was there all this time. He involved so many people and made them instruments for me to see that I am not in the place He desires for me. I was furious, I was devastated of the so many revelations. I was even accused of being at fault why everything is happening, but I guess, it was Him who runs the show from the very start. He wanted me to see the real colours of the people I am dealing with, and at the same time, learn my lessons the hard way.
Realizing this is hard, how much more to accept it. I am still in denial that this is truly what is happening. At times, I still hope for a come back although I know that is next to impossible. He is very decisive, I hope I am too. All I know is I have to live with my new normal – on my own, without him; but with all the opportunities ahead of me.
I don’t know what comes next. A lot says , someone more deserving is coming. I hope he is, I just don’t know when or how. I am not jumping to another relationship immediately after what I have been through, that’s for certain. I just hope and pray that wherever God leads me from this day forward will be better than the one I was supposed to settle for.
Lead the way, Lord.
DJSoratorio
23February2022
(In an almost 24 hour journey to London)
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