Thirty one and Blessed

It has been a habit for me to write something when my birthday is approaching. Honestly, I can’t come up with any topic to focus on lately. Maybe, I am at a state when everything seems to go really well that I cannot think of words to put it in. Nevertheless, the tradition continues – I write whatever that comes to mind. ;)

My thirtieth year has literally been a year of changes. Living with the hashtag #GoOrNoGo2018 has helped me to become more decisive. Although at times I still have doubts on what to do, but at least I have conditioned myself to look at my goal and work towards it. I am not at my best state, but I can say that I am happy where I am and where I am going as I turn thirty one.

I still have a lot of dreams to pursue. Distance to travel and lessons to learn. But I thank God for putting me in unwanted situations in the past, for allowing me to meet the friendly and not-so-friendly people along the way. I guess, it is because of these that I have developed composure and calmness despite the pressure. The mindset of “this too shall pass”, and “it’s all in the mind” aided me in radiating good vibes instead of negativity.

My 30 years of life experiences has molded me to become the better version of me. Not the best, I repeat, but someone who’s willing to learn or unlearn, laugh or give a wise advice, make a noise or remain quiet when the situation asks for it; and hold on or let go. The circumstances that I have been to, made a great impact on how I value life, laughter, and love.

Now that I am turning thirty-one, I can’t help but be thankful for I am truly blessed. The Big Man up there has never forsaken me. With persistence, hard work and His divine providence, I have never felt abandoned. He was, is, will always be there for me and for the people I care for. Thank You. You are the reason behind every success, learning, triumph and detours that has led me to the right path.

I hope and pray that this year will be my “Go” year. Go for better job opportunities and career development. Go for more distance to travel and places to see. Go for more people to bless and share blessings with. Go for wonderful memories and new experiences. Go for stability and self-contentment.

I still have a lot to go through; but I am ready for I am confident that I have Him, my family, friends and loved ones to push me when the going gets tough. ;)

#ExploreNconquer2017

For the past 3 years, I developed the habit of creating a hashtag for the year. I formulate it days or weeks before a new year begins as I reflect on what I want to happen next. 2017 is about exploring and conquering. I must say, I lived with this hashtag all year round.

Explore2017.
Places, field of endeavor, food and feelings. I guess, I have explored a lot this year compared to other years of my existence.

Places. I have been to some wonderful places in and out of the country this 2017. My first out-of-the country trip for a vacation happened in June when I had the opportunity to visit Hongkong and China with two of my best friends. Actually, the place was secondary because the main objective was to see my best friend whom I have not seen for ages. 

During this trip, I have learned so much about myself and how I handle unexpected situations. I am not as composed as I thought I am. I can still be grumpy and eventually disappointed. Nevertheless, I have learned from that experience the importance of time management and companionship. Indeed, travelling isn't always about the destination. It is more of what you have become along the way.

Locally, Mararison Island, Antique captured my heart. The place is lovely and the people stood out. The warmth and welcoming atmosphere were truly one of a kind. Not to mention the laid back way of living that they still practice in the island. The mountains, the sea, the wind,  the sunrise, and sunset they make this island an ideal place to relax and let go of things beyond control.


Field of Endeavor. To my surprise, I was assigned at the emergency room when I signed a contract with a local institution. Little did people know, that despite of my experiences, I dread ER exposure. Not only because it is fast-paced, but also due to the fact that it entails a lot of knowledge and expertise for one to function well. But, who am I to back down to a challenge? This is one field I would love to explore.

I started with a lot of nerves to hide under my sleeve. Came in and went out without being noticed. Worked in an 8-hour shift for the soul purpose of finishing it. Performed my duties as best as I can. But one day, I have realized that this is not the way that it should be. This is not what the books that I have read taught me. This is not being productive. This is not exploring and conquering and maximizing the chance that is being given to me.

Little by little, I gained friends, I expressed myself, I knew and understood the people I work with. It became a start of something new. I began to love what I do and start to serve with a smile - a slogan that the institution that I work with is trying to instill to its workers - serve.with.a. Smile.

I thank God for the friends, sisters and brothers that I met in the field. I admit, I am not the friendliest- type, I stay low key, but I am glad to have met a few who have embraced me for who I am. Indeed, angels don't always spread their wings nor put their halo on, they only often wear a smile and an open arm. :)

Food. I mean seafoods! How addicted I am to these sea produce this year. Red meat does not look appealing to me lately. Though I still eat them, but seafoods are heaven. The unlimited scallops at Isla de Higantes is heaven. The fresh fish and its salty taste of the islands is something to remember. The cheesy, enticing, mouth-watering baked oysters make most of my day. 

Having a try of a community's local delicacy is a great way to explore it. This year, I have developed the habit of trying and tasting something new. It doesn't hurt after all. 

Feelings. So much has been said about this in my previous posts. Looking at it, I can say that this blog has been an outlet for me to express my feelings and thoughts. This year, I seldom wrote an article, and if I do, it's for another person - for a fee or as a favor. I did not lose the passion for writing, and never will I. 

Maybe, I have been happy and contented most of the time this year exploring and conquering that I find it unnecessary to document what is happening.

As Sean O'connell has said in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, "Beautiful things don't ask for attention".

Conquer2017.

Heights. Limits. Fears. Unknown. For some, they are easy trails, but for me, they are something deserving of a tap at my back while telling myself, 'you're doing well, dex."

Heights. Mt. Napulak comes to mind when I think about conquering greater heights. I am always a nature lover, but believe it or not, I have a little to no experience in mountain hiking. This year, along with a few friends and workmates, we conquered the 1200+ MASL of this prominent mountain in Igbaras, Iloilo. The length of the trail isn't like a walk in the park, but I definitely enjoyed every twist and turn, everything about that day. 

Limits. Life and work in another country had taught me to stay strictly on a budget. Starve yourself if you need to, minimize generosity and say no if you have to. These are the habits that I have learned to master in the past few years. I was so focused on achieving my financial goals that I forgot the importance of generosity and touching lives.

This year, I pushed my limits. On my birthday, I became "irrationally generous". In one of the talks at The Feast, the preacher once explained the advantages of being irrationally generous at times and it hit me. So on my birthday, I ticked an item off the bucket list - I shared with the children and carers of an orphanage some of my blessings this year. I know, they felt happy receiving those but little did they know that they had touched my life more than they could imagine. Felt right! 

Fears. I always reflect the strong and independent woman personality. I keep my head up. I stand my ground. I do what other people thought I cannot. But fears never leave me. I often wear a mask due to the fear of  not being accepted. I maintain a low profile so people would not notice my flaws. 

I can say, that this year, I have conquered a part of it. I am becoming more expressive and straightforward in my dealings. I have realized, there is no reason living in fears at this point in my life. I have enough of pleasing other people and keeping with the norm.

I am just glad that as I open myself and let go of my fears, there are people who are willing to back me up and carry me whenever I need a hand. That's what truly matters - those who love you despite of things that you are not.

Unknown. This is one topic that I am still contemplating on. How will I explain this? How and what do I conquer in the unknown.

First, let me explain my idea of the unknown. The unknown is something that has not happened to me in the past. It might have occurred in other people, but first hand experience is undocumented. It is a feeling or an emotion I have never felt I can experience, or things or gestures I never thought I am capable of.

Real love was unknown to me in the past. It is late this year that I surely felt it - at the most unexpected scenario, event, and person. Indeed, everything comes at the right time. Mine happened when I was tired of waiting and searching. He came when all I was thinking was a fun and laughter with my best friends.

Conquering the unknown just suits it. Like "OMG! I didn't have a clue!" upto, "Oh! So that explains!". :D 

I just hope and pray that as I conquer all of these, I won't hit my head very hard on the ground. I am ready for the fall, the traps and the detours, but at the same time I am looking forward to many wondrous things that will evolve out of me now that I am done with #exploreNconquer2017.

Next chapter: #GoOrNoGo2018

Not Just Another Day

Today marks an end, a beginning for some matters.
Today is no other day for you, but for me, it's a new chapter.
Today is just another sunny, humid day, a stroke in the sun, a part of history.
Today is no ordinary day. It's my 30th birthday.

Maybe, others don't see it as I do.
It's 24 hours of reflection and saying things that true.
It's a moment of truth of who really knows me.
The time of the year when I get to count one to thirty.




I guess, it's a big of a deal for reasons I'm counting on.
I am no youth, a real adult out of fandom.
I am thirty and living with uncertainty.
But believe me, I work for stability.

In all aspects I am uncertain
Love, career, family, monetary not forgotten.

This is madness, but I'm not creeping on it.

For I know, life will take me where I truly fit.

Today I ask for strength and faith,
That I may see the good and great.
Today I am asking for happiness and peace,
That I may search for brightness and genuinely find this.




Today, I claim blessings from the Almighty
Always provide for me and for my family.
Never to retreat in keeping us safe and healthy,
To love and grow in love individually.

Today I pray for love- love that lingers and stays
For attention that is undivided
For appreciation, for true love to go my way.
I pray for the one, the one that don't get away.

This is not just another Wednesday
This is my 30th birthday
This is the day I thank everyone
Moreover, all praises to the One.

The All Sentimental Why

I've always believed that life's why has a valid because. At some point, it's a bit hard to understand and fathom everything that is happening at the moment.
It will crush you, beat you, make you cry and burst into sadness. It will burden you, make you feel down - a mess, and turn you into a lonely, lifeless individual walking in a vast planet. 

Why me? Of all people?
Why do I have to go through all these?
Why is it happening again?
Why am I in this situation?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why do people do this to me?
Why can't I be happy just like everybody else?

If you come to think deeper, in every question thrown is an honest to goodness answer that we (or I) often don't want to accept. We (or I) are blinded with the faults and the why's that consumes us with negative thoughts for a while
.
I guess, at some point, we have to dig deeper into the situation we are currently facing. We don't have to look for all the because in all the why's but at least, think outside the box.

Why me, of all people?

Why not? I mean, those who are burdened are molded. Trust the process and sooner or later, you'll realize that what you're going through is actually what you need in order to become a better version of you. Why you of all people? It's because you have the potential to come out of it alive. Trust Him. You are delicately picked.

Why do I have to go through all these?

A lot of us likes to use this question as if we carry all the burdens in the world. When in fact, what we're going through is a tiny itsy bitsy polka dot in a pool of mishaps. You may be beaten and bombarded with heartaches, bills, deadlines, and things not going your way. But that is not "all". There are passed reports, reconnected friends, good news, beautiful sunrise and sunsets, and a whole lot more. The burdens aren't everything that you should focus on.

Why is it happening again?

Come to think of it. If the same thing happens to you twice. Is it because you have not learned anything on the first encounter? After all, things happening again is an obvious reminder that you must be missing something - a lesson, an idea, a strategy, or let's say, a coping mechanism. So the next time you feel like having a dejavu, examine yourself, don't feel so down and cry all night. Think of what the situation might be teaching you. There must be something to learn from it. Just look somewhere else this time.

Why am I in this situation?

Train your mind to see the good in any situation. This is what speakers tell us. So I guess, despite the misfortunes, there is something good that will come out with it. You are in an unfavorable situation because you are in it. The odds aren't always in your favor, but you can always change your perspective on things. You are in that specific situation for a reason. It might not be as clear as the waters of the river, but just like the river it will eventually change its course. It. Will. Pass.

Why am I feeling this way?

Feelings are subjective. Faced with the same situation, two people will have different feelings about it. You are feeling down, depressed, not in the mood because you choose to. You feel how you feel at that moment because, at some point, you choose the degrading part over breathing in and out and showing up like a real warrior. Don't be too consumed with the downfall. Don't be too engrossed with the burdens. Don't make the situation your blanket of excuses. Feel the pain, but don't embrace it for a long time. It's toxic.

Why do people do this to me?

Everybody's unique. What might be good for you might cause something degrading to another human being. Your happiness might not mean the happiness of another. People do what they think might be better for them, even at some point, at the expense of another party. And what's worse, they might not be aware that what they're doing is exactly what will kill you from the inside. So yes, people do what they do. So, as a part of a world where only the strong survives - remove the toxic people in your life and let go of the hurt. It's easier said than done, but it will pay off sooner or later.

Why can't I be happy just like everybody else?

Everybody else has different levels of feeling and emotions at different stages of their lives. Most people might look happy and free on their social media post, but that is not the whole story. Some are just experts in hiding their true emotions. Some are genuinely happy. Some are just showing up for no reasons. You can be happy just like everybody else if you choose to. The burdens might not disappear all of a sudden if you choose to think positive. But perspective will change the momentum.

These are the questions I ask myself,too. I have my fair share of mishaps, misfortunes, misadventures. I get hurt, I stumble, I feel down. Honestly, I sometimes don't know how to approach it, especially when what you're given are false hopes. Nevertheless, I choose to live life like how I picture it out to be.

Go out when you're feeling down. Do something worthwhile. Meet new friends. Have less expectations. And please, don't put meaning in every action done. People are people. Change is inevitable. Expect the unexpected. Love yourself. Live your Life. Do not depend your happiness in an external factor. Happiness starts within. Choose to be happy. Choose you. Love you. 

I Still Thank God For You

I can still see your facial expression, your voice when I read your old messages. I can still picture the lines of your face, that giggle you usually do when you throw jokes at me. I can still feel your touch, gentle on my chin, tilting my face to yours. Your gentle tap on my thigh when you're driving and I'm making fun of you. 

No one ever made me feel that way.

I always wanted to be in control, always wanted to be someone independent—a woman to be reckoned with. But you trespassed through that wall. You saw the strong, but sensitive woman who wanted to be loved.

And I did love you.

You taught me how to let go, to put my mask down. You taught me how to show my emotions. You taught me that letting someone in isn’t terrible, even if it doesn’t end up the way you planned.

You taught me that love is seriously a no joke, that you may get your heart broken.

You taught me that sometimes we love and not loved in return, but it is something greater than any other feeling.

Today, I thought about you. About the time that’s passed, about the hours and street signs and highways that once carried us to nowhere. I thought about your laugh, how it annoyed me. I thought about your kisses, so tender on my forehead. The place I loved it the most.

You were everything I wanted, for a moment. I presume you did,too. But that moment didn’t stretch into forever.

Maybe God didn’t want you to be my forever person. And I’ve accepted it now. I understand. Sometimes, people come and leave. They don't stay long no matter how much we wanted.

Sometimes it aches, the fact that you’re gone.
But I still thank Him for sending you to me.

See, God always has a bigger picture in mind. He knew that our lives would be blessed by one another’s kiss. He knew that I would fall, and get hurt in the process. He let it happen for a reason.

All the time that I am feeling broken, He was teaching me a lesson.

I’m thankful that He gave me you. That He allowed this to happen to me, even if that man isn’t the one I’ll marry. I’m thankful for the lessons I learned in loving and taking risks. That you can’t change people, can’t change their hearts. That sometimes timing is everything. And that sometimes you run out of second chances, and that’s okay.

Time and space will still always heal.

I’m thankful God gave me you—you imperfect, flawed, insensitive, wonderfully complicated being. 

Maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we would have fought for different opinions and issues. Maybe we would have separated and parted in the process.

I don’t know the answers, but I’m trusting in God nonetheless.

We are apart, not singing to the same song, no longer sharing the same road. But I’ve come to understand that this is a part of life, a part of loving.

I believe that He has plans for us, for you, for me. Separately.

Even though I’m not sure what will happen now, where I will go, who I will love, or if I will ever cross paths with the right one, I know that things happen for a reason. And they happen according to His plan.

And no matter how much our lives will change, I’ll never look back on us with regret. God gave me you, gave me love, gave me our little temporary forever. And for that, I’ll always be thankful. 

I still thank God for you.

Relax! Trust Him More!

There comes a point in our lives when we get tired of waiting. We simply can't contain the frustration and depression that we feel because of unwanted circumstances. We tell ourselves, we can do this, this is all part of growing up. But the uneasy feeling never disappears. It lingers. It crawls into our deepest core and slowly reaps us of our strength. 

From that day onwards, we see only the negatives, the odds not siding our favor. We begin to entertain the heaviness and the little bad stuffs we encounter each day. We focus on the minor misfortunes and consider it as something we deserve. We compare ourselves to other people and we feel self-pity in the process. We hope we are in a different world, in a different situation, in a far different emotion. 

When all of these negativities sink in, we isolate ourselves and count the never ending misfortunes we have while feeling jealous of other people's success. We question "why?".
Why is this happening to me? Why am I placed in an uncomfortable situation where I can't control the outcome? Why do I have to experience lost, brokenness, self-pity, loneliness, emptiness? Why me, of all people? When all I wanted is a peaceful, harmonious life of love and laughter? Does the Big Man up there really think I am strong enough to handle this? Doesn't the world know that I am just a woman - fragile and weak? 

In moments of sorrow and deep frustration, it is very easy and comforting to cry our hearts out and blurt the big "why". We tend to cry in our bed in the darkest of the night. In the midst of silence, we question and find no answer. Still, we choose to embrace this uneasy feeling because we are left with no clue on what to do next.

Why is this happening to me? says our mind and heart. After some time we tell ourselves, we made this conscious decision and now, we're facing the consequence. We choose this over the most appropriate thing to do from the very beginning, and this is the outcome. This is the result of what we thought was okay, although we know it wasn't right.
Why am I placed in an uncomfortable situation where I can't control the outcome?, you ask. When in the first place you had the freedom to go right or left, to hand in the right when you did the wrong, to conform to the norm or keep your values, to live peacefully and avoid complications. You chose otherwise. 

Why do I have to experience losing, brokenness, self-pity, loneliness, emptiness? I am sure, you're not the only person asking this same question. You are not alone, but you feel the other way simply because of a person who does not acknowledge the beauty in you. You have a choice not to feel all these, but you continue to choose otherwise.

It doesn't get easier as days pass by. That heaviness stays, it grows wild and uncontrollable. There you are, left in misery without any company. You embrace and caress the emotion with both hands, feel it with your heart and cry it out.

Despite this, hopefully, hopefully, a day will come when you realize your worth. Hopefully, a day will come when you don't feel the emptiness anymore. Hopefully, the day will come when you feel more worthy of a better future. Hopefully, the big day will come when you'll realize that this is all happening for a reason. Hopefully, one day, you get to get up, show up, and put off the masks you used to wear. Hopefully, one day, you get to believe in love again, seize life one more time, and trust Him more.

Relax! Trust Him More!

Forget Not

There are moments in our lives when we tend to forget our core. We embrace the society's norm and live like we've never learned the things that we used to value. These times of forgetfulness carry us to a different dimension, introduces us to our other self and gives us the time to realize that, nonetheless, we are capable.

There are times when we forget - and neglect - the people who were there for us from the very beginning - the parents who never abandoned us, the friends who stayed during the tough times, the loved ones who cared and loved.

At one point or another, we also forget - and abandon- the memories that once brought smiles and tears of joy - the glorious moments of victory we shared with our teammates, the sweetest gestures displayed by a lover to another, the celebrations and occasions we had with the people who matters, or even the simple gestures of love and care.

We forget - and dismiss- the feeling of happiness, contentment, love and affection - the feeling of being excited for an upcoming event, the surreal feeling of achieving something, the ecstasy of finding something we once thought impossible, the breathtaking, wonderful feeling of seeing something new.

And like most of us do at times, we forget- and don't care- about the core values we were modeled to believe - the importance of family and friends whatever you achieve in life, the significance of right conduct and proper approach on certain situations, the need to do good and act right.

These has all happened to us at one point in our lives. It is human nature to forget things and to question it for some reasons. We are human and we're not perfect. Forgetting something at some point in understandable.

However, don't let forgetfulness be an excuse to deviate from the right. We forget, but we can remember. We forget, but we can always choose to realize what is right. We forget, but we can always go back to our inner core. We may forget, but we can never deny the existence of right and wrong.

Whenever you forget something you've learned in the past, remember that you're not the first person to do so. Stop and breathe. Take a moment of silence and try to remember what caused the forgetfulness. Be proactive and manage to turn back whenever necessary.

Life is short and lives come and go. Forget the bad but don't neglect the learning. Forget the hurt- the brokenness- but don't dismiss the ones who's trying to make you feel whole again. Forget the unnecessary ones, but care about those who makes you feel better. 

Forget but not the learning. 
Forget but not the experience. 
Forget but the values you grew up with.