The All Sentimental Why

I've always believed that life's why has a valid because. At some point, it's a bit hard to understand and fathom everything that is happening at the moment.
It will crush you, beat you, make you cry and burst into sadness. It will burden you, make you feel down - a mess, and turn you into a lonely, lifeless individual walking in a vast planet. 

Why me? Of all people?
Why do I have to go through all these?
Why is it happening again?
Why am I in this situation?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why do people do this to me?
Why can't I be happy just like everybody else?

If you come to think deeper, in every question thrown is an honest to goodness answer that we (or I) often don't want to accept. We (or I) are blinded with the faults and the why's that consumes us with negative thoughts for a while
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I guess, at some point, we have to dig deeper into the situation we are currently facing. We don't have to look for all the because in all the why's but at least, think outside the box.

Why me, of all people?

Why not? I mean, those who are burdened are molded. Trust the process and sooner or later, you'll realize that what you're going through is actually what you need in order to become a better version of you. Why you of all people? It's because you have the potential to come out of it alive. Trust Him. You are delicately picked.

Why do I have to go through all these?

A lot of us likes to use this question as if we carry all the burdens in the world. When in fact, what we're going through is a tiny itsy bitsy polka dot in a pool of mishaps. You may be beaten and bombarded with heartaches, bills, deadlines, and things not going your way. But that is not "all". There are passed reports, reconnected friends, good news, beautiful sunrise and sunsets, and a whole lot more. The burdens aren't everything that you should focus on.

Why is it happening again?

Come to think of it. If the same thing happens to you twice. Is it because you have not learned anything on the first encounter? After all, things happening again is an obvious reminder that you must be missing something - a lesson, an idea, a strategy, or let's say, a coping mechanism. So the next time you feel like having a dejavu, examine yourself, don't feel so down and cry all night. Think of what the situation might be teaching you. There must be something to learn from it. Just look somewhere else this time.

Why am I in this situation?

Train your mind to see the good in any situation. This is what speakers tell us. So I guess, despite the misfortunes, there is something good that will come out with it. You are in an unfavorable situation because you are in it. The odds aren't always in your favor, but you can always change your perspective on things. You are in that specific situation for a reason. It might not be as clear as the waters of the river, but just like the river it will eventually change its course. It. Will. Pass.

Why am I feeling this way?

Feelings are subjective. Faced with the same situation, two people will have different feelings about it. You are feeling down, depressed, not in the mood because you choose to. You feel how you feel at that moment because, at some point, you choose the degrading part over breathing in and out and showing up like a real warrior. Don't be too consumed with the downfall. Don't be too engrossed with the burdens. Don't make the situation your blanket of excuses. Feel the pain, but don't embrace it for a long time. It's toxic.

Why do people do this to me?

Everybody's unique. What might be good for you might cause something degrading to another human being. Your happiness might not mean the happiness of another. People do what they think might be better for them, even at some point, at the expense of another party. And what's worse, they might not be aware that what they're doing is exactly what will kill you from the inside. So yes, people do what they do. So, as a part of a world where only the strong survives - remove the toxic people in your life and let go of the hurt. It's easier said than done, but it will pay off sooner or later.

Why can't I be happy just like everybody else?

Everybody else has different levels of feeling and emotions at different stages of their lives. Most people might look happy and free on their social media post, but that is not the whole story. Some are just experts in hiding their true emotions. Some are genuinely happy. Some are just showing up for no reasons. You can be happy just like everybody else if you choose to. The burdens might not disappear all of a sudden if you choose to think positive. But perspective will change the momentum.

These are the questions I ask myself,too. I have my fair share of mishaps, misfortunes, misadventures. I get hurt, I stumble, I feel down. Honestly, I sometimes don't know how to approach it, especially when what you're given are false hopes. Nevertheless, I choose to live life like how I picture it out to be.

Go out when you're feeling down. Do something worthwhile. Meet new friends. Have less expectations. And please, don't put meaning in every action done. People are people. Change is inevitable. Expect the unexpected. Love yourself. Live your Life. Do not depend your happiness in an external factor. Happiness starts within. Choose to be happy. Choose you. Love you. 

I Still Thank God For You

I can still see your facial expression, your voice when I read your old messages. I can still picture the lines of your face, that giggle you usually do when you throw jokes at me. I can still feel your touch, gentle on my chin, tilting my face to yours. Your gentle tap on my thigh when you're driving and I'm making fun of you. 

No one ever made me feel that way.

I always wanted to be in control, always wanted to be someone independent—a woman to be reckoned with. But you trespassed through that wall. You saw the strong, but sensitive woman who wanted to be loved.

And I did love you.

You taught me how to let go, to put my mask down. You taught me how to show my emotions. You taught me that letting someone in isn’t terrible, even if it doesn’t end up the way you planned.

You taught me that love is seriously a no joke, that you may get your heart broken.

You taught me that sometimes we love and not loved in return, but it is something greater than any other feeling.

Today, I thought about you. About the time that’s passed, about the hours and street signs and highways that once carried us to nowhere. I thought about your laugh, how it annoyed me. I thought about your kisses, so tender on my forehead. The place I loved it the most.

You were everything I wanted, for a moment. I presume you did,too. But that moment didn’t stretch into forever.

Maybe God didn’t want you to be my forever person. And I’ve accepted it now. I understand. Sometimes, people come and leave. They don't stay long no matter how much we wanted.

Sometimes it aches, the fact that you’re gone.
But I still thank Him for sending you to me.

See, God always has a bigger picture in mind. He knew that our lives would be blessed by one another’s kiss. He knew that I would fall, and get hurt in the process. He let it happen for a reason.

All the time that I am feeling broken, He was teaching me a lesson.

I’m thankful that He gave me you. That He allowed this to happen to me, even if that man isn’t the one I’ll marry. I’m thankful for the lessons I learned in loving and taking risks. That you can’t change people, can’t change their hearts. That sometimes timing is everything. And that sometimes you run out of second chances, and that’s okay.

Time and space will still always heal.

I’m thankful God gave me you—you imperfect, flawed, insensitive, wonderfully complicated being. 

Maybe we weren’t right for each other. Maybe we would have fought for different opinions and issues. Maybe we would have separated and parted in the process.

I don’t know the answers, but I’m trusting in God nonetheless.

We are apart, not singing to the same song, no longer sharing the same road. But I’ve come to understand that this is a part of life, a part of loving.

I believe that He has plans for us, for you, for me. Separately.

Even though I’m not sure what will happen now, where I will go, who I will love, or if I will ever cross paths with the right one, I know that things happen for a reason. And they happen according to His plan.

And no matter how much our lives will change, I’ll never look back on us with regret. God gave me you, gave me love, gave me our little temporary forever. And for that, I’ll always be thankful. 

I still thank God for you.

Relax! Trust Him More!

There comes a point in our lives when we get tired of waiting. We simply can't contain the frustration and depression that we feel because of unwanted circumstances. We tell ourselves, we can do this, this is all part of growing up. But the uneasy feeling never disappears. It lingers. It crawls into our deepest core and slowly reaps us of our strength. 

From that day onwards, we see only the negatives, the odds not siding our favor. We begin to entertain the heaviness and the little bad stuffs we encounter each day. We focus on the minor misfortunes and consider it as something we deserve. We compare ourselves to other people and we feel self-pity in the process. We hope we are in a different world, in a different situation, in a far different emotion. 

When all of these negativities sink in, we isolate ourselves and count the never ending misfortunes we have while feeling jealous of other people's success. We question "why?".
Why is this happening to me? Why am I placed in an uncomfortable situation where I can't control the outcome? Why do I have to experience lost, brokenness, self-pity, loneliness, emptiness? Why me, of all people? When all I wanted is a peaceful, harmonious life of love and laughter? Does the Big Man up there really think I am strong enough to handle this? Doesn't the world know that I am just a woman - fragile and weak? 

In moments of sorrow and deep frustration, it is very easy and comforting to cry our hearts out and blurt the big "why". We tend to cry in our bed in the darkest of the night. In the midst of silence, we question and find no answer. Still, we choose to embrace this uneasy feeling because we are left with no clue on what to do next.

Why is this happening to me? says our mind and heart. After some time we tell ourselves, we made this conscious decision and now, we're facing the consequence. We choose this over the most appropriate thing to do from the very beginning, and this is the outcome. This is the result of what we thought was okay, although we know it wasn't right.
Why am I placed in an uncomfortable situation where I can't control the outcome?, you ask. When in the first place you had the freedom to go right or left, to hand in the right when you did the wrong, to conform to the norm or keep your values, to live peacefully and avoid complications. You chose otherwise. 

Why do I have to experience losing, brokenness, self-pity, loneliness, emptiness? I am sure, you're not the only person asking this same question. You are not alone, but you feel the other way simply because of a person who does not acknowledge the beauty in you. You have a choice not to feel all these, but you continue to choose otherwise.

It doesn't get easier as days pass by. That heaviness stays, it grows wild and uncontrollable. There you are, left in misery without any company. You embrace and caress the emotion with both hands, feel it with your heart and cry it out.

Despite this, hopefully, hopefully, a day will come when you realize your worth. Hopefully, a day will come when you don't feel the emptiness anymore. Hopefully, the day will come when you feel more worthy of a better future. Hopefully, the big day will come when you'll realize that this is all happening for a reason. Hopefully, one day, you get to get up, show up, and put off the masks you used to wear. Hopefully, one day, you get to believe in love again, seize life one more time, and trust Him more.

Relax! Trust Him More!

Forget Not

There are moments in our lives when we tend to forget our core. We embrace the society's norm and live like we've never learned the things that we used to value. These times of forgetfulness carry us to a different dimension, introduces us to our other self and gives us the time to realize that, nonetheless, we are capable.

There are times when we forget - and neglect - the people who were there for us from the very beginning - the parents who never abandoned us, the friends who stayed during the tough times, the loved ones who cared and loved.

At one point or another, we also forget - and abandon- the memories that once brought smiles and tears of joy - the glorious moments of victory we shared with our teammates, the sweetest gestures displayed by a lover to another, the celebrations and occasions we had with the people who matters, or even the simple gestures of love and care.

We forget - and dismiss- the feeling of happiness, contentment, love and affection - the feeling of being excited for an upcoming event, the surreal feeling of achieving something, the ecstasy of finding something we once thought impossible, the breathtaking, wonderful feeling of seeing something new.

And like most of us do at times, we forget- and don't care- about the core values we were modeled to believe - the importance of family and friends whatever you achieve in life, the significance of right conduct and proper approach on certain situations, the need to do good and act right.

These has all happened to us at one point in our lives. It is human nature to forget things and to question it for some reasons. We are human and we're not perfect. Forgetting something at some point in understandable.

However, don't let forgetfulness be an excuse to deviate from the right. We forget, but we can remember. We forget, but we can always choose to realize what is right. We forget, but we can always go back to our inner core. We may forget, but we can never deny the existence of right and wrong.

Whenever you forget something you've learned in the past, remember that you're not the first person to do so. Stop and breathe. Take a moment of silence and try to remember what caused the forgetfulness. Be proactive and manage to turn back whenever necessary.

Life is short and lives come and go. Forget the bad but don't neglect the learning. Forget the hurt- the brokenness- but don't dismiss the ones who's trying to make you feel whole again. Forget the unnecessary ones, but care about those who makes you feel better. 

Forget but not the learning. 
Forget but not the experience. 
Forget but the values you grew up with.

Dealing with the Unfamiliar

Growing up, I have faced a lot of unfamiliar challenges. Circumstances that molded me and widened my horizon to what life really is all about. It's not easy, nor it is a bed of roses. But I go on, for I have always believed that the unfamiliar is part of my adventure. They make the story more interesting and fascinating.

#TheUnfamiliar

At present, I am at the peak of an unfamiliar feeling. It's not something I have felt before. But it is something I have heard of from the many who have taken the risks earlier than I did. It's the feeling of being broken - heart broken.

#AdmissionTest

At last, I said it! Yes, my heart is in a stage right now when its pieces aren't in their right placement. I used to call unfamiliar, unwelcome emotions as ''a loss of momentum" , " a temporary halt", "a wake up call" but this one is new, it's at a higher level, and I haven't thought of a name for it - except, simply, being heartbroken.

If I dig deeper into it, no matter what I call this feeling, the bottom point will always be the same. I am hurt, and torn to bits and pieces because of things I did and did not do. Nevertheless, it's a valid emotion. It is something I can cope with in due time. Something to embrace and familiarize, so whenever the "next time" comes (but I fervently hope, it won't), it wouldn't be as excruciating as it is right now.

#FeelingsintoWords

Let me describe how it actually feels, in my very own, first- time perspective. The moment it happened, it's actually not as bad. I have anticipated that when the odds won't be in my favor, it's going to hurt. So the instance I heard it, it took me about 3 seconds to digest what he just said, and pause, then okay. I was fine, I was able to converse and find logic in it. It was the right thing, the most practical way, to do. No demands, it's expected.

As the exchange of thoughts and feeling continues, I began to realize the overwhelming sentiment of being broken. I tried to put it on  the back of my mind and talk like the "third person" not involved in the present conversation. In short, I deny the state. I dismiss it.

#FightingthePain

I try and try to fight the heaviness in my heart. Breathing in and out, changing position, focusing on something from the distance, imagining a more favorable scenario, laughing at myself and the present situation I am in right now. But, it's never going to a change a thing. I end up with, " Face it! You're broken".

The night ends, the inevitable goodbyes say hello. I try to give a strong- okay-I'm-good-and-that's-expected impression. I walk and never look back. Good for me, I didn't cry at this point, when most of the ladies I know in movies will cry their hearts out while hiding in a dark room. Maybe, just maybe, I'm still holding on to my chosen impression. ^^

#AtthefirstRayofSun

And the next morning comes. Yoo-hoo! This is when it all rushed into my hard head. The emptiness, the crushing feeling, the feeling of being lost and couldn't be found. This is when I badly needed someone to direct my emotions and actions. This is when I decide that I need to call a friend. This is the moment that I realize that no man is an island, so I will depend. This day is history for me! In the almost 3 decades of my life, I have been in control of my situation. I take the lead. I drop the bomb when I want to, I carry on based on my orders, I live my life, I formulate my plan, I welcome or reject people, I decide.

#TheTurningPoint

But that morning changed my momentum. I am not in control. I am rejected. I am not chosen. I am left alone. I am not at the top of the priority list. What's worse? The very person who made me feel this way informed me- this same morning- that he is somewhere far away and wonderful with the chosen one. And I was like, " You gotta be kidding me!?". I. Am. So. Doomed!

Still, the tears didn't fall. I'm a bit allergic to crying, I must say. But that does not mean that I am not feeling crushed, ground, pressed, pounded and torn. I am. However, crying isn't an option, I'm reminding myself.

Not too long ago, I came across someone who influenced me not to bury myself into the sea of tears whenever difficult situations arise. Instead, acknowledge the feeling and think of it as a stepping stone towards being a better version of you. Use most of your brain and quiet your heart at this time. Better days are coming, the cliche.

#AlmosttheEnd

Then, like a caterpillar crawling on a branch, afternoon comes without any urgency. I think of things to do. I plan for the next day, I ask friends for unplanned outings, I want to watch movies that never really interests me, I want to cook something only to realize I don't have the needed ingredients, I think of better ways to spend the remaining time of my highly historical day. Then, an idea rushed through me, it's a weekend and I can go out with a trusted friend and attend The Feast. Praise God, she's available for some holy hours.

Thanks be to God for happy places situated near me. So I get up, get dressed, flaunt the beautiful me and hit the ramp. At this point, I am still the broken me. Nothing has changed. Maybe, just how I deal with the brokenness. I exchange messages with a trusted friend along the way, venting out every detail of my unfamiliar experience. I listen and almost shed a tear, but still, nothing comes out.

Maybe, just maybe, I do not cry because I know that I did the right thing. Loving, expressing and letting go all at the same time is no joke. It's mind- boggling, heart crushing, and definitely, body numbing. But, knowing that it's the right thing to do makes this experience easier to handle. At least, I took the risk even if the odds aren't in my favor even at the beginning.

#WhiteFlagUp

God is really good. In this time of confusion, emptiness and brokenness, she sent me to a happy place with this friend of mine who is very willing to listen and make me understand everything. I guess, the turning point of it all is when the preacher asked the attendees who among us are sick? Anxious? Depressed? Financially challenged? Confused? Broken? There you go! I raised my hand and admit it, acknowledging the fact that I am broken inside and I am surrendering everything to Him.

A raise of hand is a very simple gesture, but utterly liberating. It's like telling the all too powerful God that "Father! I am here. I am presenting my broken self to you, touch me with your healing hands." For someone who does not accept defeat easily, nor acknowledge being not in control of the situation, this is something for the books.

I focused all my attention to what the preacher has to say. And then he said,"who among you here, despite being sick, anxious, depressed, or broken, believes that he/ she is blessed?" And again, there I am, lifting my hands higher than before, smiling and quietly telling myself that, " yes, you are broken right now but this is not your ending, better days are coming." Hurray for positive thinking!:)

 #SpuroftheMoment

I never had the intention to blurt everything out to her. But then after The Feast and while we're having a feast on the table, she asks and I just can't deny it. Yes, I am, at some sort, seeing someone, but the big twist is- it's complicated. Another huge twist, the complication has been decided yesterday and I am left broken. Spur of the moment! There I am telling her everything I have kept for the past 24 hours. With an exception of only sharing it to a long distant friend whom I am always thankful to have.

I have no intention of communicating this to a bigger crowd of two. In this age of highly-advanced technology, gossips, stories rather, travel faster than the speed of light. It's not very practical to announce you brokenness to a crowd of curious individuals. I have learned to keep a straight face and choose the best people to express it with. After all, I understand how this world evolves. Plus, it's safer this way. ;)

#ClearAsWater

I ended the day with a clearer mind. I couldn't be more grateful for friends who held my hand and tell in my face that this is the situation and you are dealing it the right way. I am even told that I am still being level-headed in handling it! Nice work for me! After all, experiencing it for the first time and reacting in a logical manner is a talent I never knew I possess.

#LongAndWindingRoad

This is going to be a long journey of ups and downs. This is going to be a circus of emotions from the first ray of light until who knows when. This is going to be a hard battle to fight. This is going to be an unfamiliar road that I have to pass. This is not going to be a bed of roses, nor a stroll at the park. This is not going to be an easy mask to wear, nor an interesting number in a party. This is not going to be just a romantic-comedy movie being flashed on the screen.This is my heart being broken for the very first time.

Yes, I acknowledge, I may trip once in a while during this unfamiliar journey. I just hope and pray that despite bruised knees, and a broken heart, I will come out of it with a wider perspective and a better understanding of what love is.

#LoveIs

Love is giving. Love is being kind. Love is a serious matter. Love is handling things based on what is right. Love must be felt and shown. Love is mutual trust. Love is spending time with the person. Love is giving him/her a part of you. Love is sharing your best and worst. Love is not judging. Love is not a joke. Love is loving deeply, setting free, and letting go.

You.Are.A.Work.In.Progress

Sometimes you question why  you are in the middle of a difficult situation. The kind of circumstance where you can do a little about and that uncertainty is the subject of the game.

You did what you have to do. Performed the best that you can to fulfill your job. At one point, you even went beyond what is asked of your duty. But it still feels like it's never enough!

Maybe, just maybe, it's human nature to feel "unsatisfied". We all wanted to be appreciated for the things we thought we did at our best, but for others - it's nothing.

Remember that time during your school years when you studied very well, delivered in an outstanding manner and performed with great pride? But then, people had always something negative to say about you and what you did. 

There will always be someone in the room who'll tell you that you need more practice, more research, more polishing, just practically more than what you just did.

These times can be very frustrating. Not to mention, very exhausting especially when it occurs countless of times. They're like layers upon layers of frustration that eventually engulf you into nothingness.

From this, people drain their energy into negative. Try to stop and isolate. You can't blame others if they take a halt and rest after a heartbreak. People badly needs that to regain themselves.

Let me remind you, though, other people's opinion does not define you and the things that you can do. They will always have something to say - it's human nature! It's up to you if you'll let this criticisms stand in you way to achieving greater heights. Why not make them think otherwise? 

Whenever you hear someone say you're not good enough, smile and go back to your core. Respect the opinion but don't let it interfere with your progress. After all, the things that we are enjoying right now came from those who think it's possible while the rest of the world screams of impossibility. 

You. Are. A.Work.In.Progress. And the Creator isn't done with you yet. Stay at your course, at your pace. Time will come when you see the fruits of you labor, and the people who once told you you're not capable will be there on the side cheering and telling the world you made it.

Let your radiance shine and never deem for in the eyes of the people who love you, you are in progress. We all walk different paths at different paces, don't try to compare your journey to others - it's toxic. Enjoy your life adventure and be ready for the breakthrough that awaits you.

Three and That's It!

Three long years in the kingdom! Just wow! And I am so glad that it's almost over. All that is left to do now is to pray that things will go smoothly, and we will be sent home sooner. 

This adventure is just too long for somebody who loves change and gets bored being stocked in the same old routine for three long years. Nevertheless, I made it this far. It wasn't easy at first, and it still isn't a piece of cake now that it's about to end. I'm just glad that I'm almost beginning a new chapter.

I read once that the last mile seems to be the longest. Truly, a day after I ended my contract, hours seem to crawl slower than a caterpillar does. It feels like I have no reason to go to work and do what I used to do. I want to scream, vent out every bits and pieces of frustration that burdens me, question why I have to go through all these when all I ever wanted is a life comfortable enough for me and my family. But by the end of the day, this won't give me any benefit. I can scream, shout, cry a river, but the reality stays - I am here and feeling sorry won't help me get out of here.

Instead, I continue my day. Be proactive! Says Stephen Covey. Control what is in you circle of influence and worry not about those that aren't. When I read this tip, I first thought, it's very simple. But when you're on a situation when everything around seems gloomy and gray, Aaaah! It is too difficult - a challenging one, even just thinking of happy thoughts.

This experience has thought me so much. It isn't a fun ride nor something I want to pass by again. It isn't something to be proud of, nor a route to recommend to other people. Still, it's a journey I chose to tackle  years ago (and I regret most of the time). Luckily, I am able to survive it though I didn't learn to love some of its days.

Upon remembering what I have been through, I can't help but get teary-eyed, feeling down and sorry. Imagine working for six days a week, a day off that isn't really a rest day because you have to do all chores, go to the market, clean your room, change the linens, cook your meal, etc. And then, another week starts. Sometimes you get tired and wanted to stop, just lie in your bed or go somewhere and forget everything, but you can't!

You. Just. Can't! 1. Because this is not home. 2. I am a woman, and in this part of the world, women can't drive a car nor travel alone due to fear that something bad might happen. 3. Where I work does not permit us to go outside without permission even during our day off. It should always be with the company car/driver, at a limited time. Some may think this is better. But if you've lived with it for a year or two, I tell you, it's not! It's like being imprisoned for no reason at all.

Looking at the brighter side of things - a habit that I am almost mastering the longer I stay here, there are some positive light in this rocky adventure. It's not all dark and sorrowful, it actually made me think things over. It's quiet long and agonizing, at least, it became an avenue for me to know more people and learn other culture.

In three years, I have learned that having a conservative nation does not equal conservative people. That no matter how you cover a person's body, she will make way to show it when nobody will reprimand her. That there are those who pray several times in a day and commit sins thereafter. That no religion is better than the rest. And whether you like it or not, you must show respect.

I have also learned not to trust instantly. Because even those you think will defend you in times of need will abandon you. Never speak up and spill everything at once, gossips travel faster than the speed of light. Your version of the story is far from what others will believe, still, don't tire yourself from explaining your side. They'll only believe what they think is convenient for them. Most importantly, make friends with your co-workers but don't allow them to misuse nor abuse your goodness. It's human nature to take advantage and act like it's nothing when opportunities arise.

No man is an island. Yet, no man will put other people's need before there own (in this part of the world). I have learned to understand that we all work to live and stay. I often tell myself, I am not driven by monetary gain. I am here for experience and training. Something that only a few can comprehend.

In a world ran by power and money, even your colleagues will try to rob you of your possessions. Jealousy and crab mentality is so rampant that you can just seat back and watch them pull each other down. Unfortunately, sometimes, no matter how much you stay away from all the drama, you're being pushed nearer to the ring. Something, I don't want to live with for the rest of my life.

When I started this journey, I dreamed of great food, comfortable rooms, friendly smiles, happy days and fun-filled lessons. The last three years has made me realize otherwise. Being away from home isn't a bed of roses. It is neither a colorful walk in the park nor a peaceful biking experience. It is actually dark, gloomy and rocky most of the days.

Just like they often say, stay focus on that glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Where I am maybe dark and cold, but my faith tells me, the tunnel is about to end. I'm almost there and I'll come out a 'brighter' person - radiating with so much zest for life, when I quit not.