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For years I have not cried like I did that time.

For a long while,  I thought the hurt’s going to linger.

For days and weeks, I can’t find words to describe

The feeling, the pain, the anger brought by you not being in my side.

 

You were my world, my day, my everything.

My bad, I made you the centre of my universe.

When I for you was someone who can easily be replaced.

With doubt, I question your love now that I’m awakened.

 

Maybe, I shed tears not for you and you alone.

I cried rivers because losing you means wasting years of my life.

Maybe, I was so emotional not because I lost a person,

But mainly because I have no one to connect with for whatever reason.

 

I believed in us despite people’s impression.

I thought we will be different and that ours will go on.

I reckoned we can make it work even through distance.

The least I know, miles will grow us a part in one glance.

 

Maybe, it was supposed to happen.

Maybe, it was a redirection or a blessing.

As much as I would want to rectify and grieve what’s now not.

I should let go and move on because you’ve done the same in an instant.

 

I have to begin somewhere, somehow.

I have to see the good in the bad anyhow.

I have to show the people who root for me I can stand again.

I have to start living my life without you- my once day and night and in between.

 

 

DJSoratorio

13April2022

On my way to see the bestfriend

Lead The Way

After 30+ days of being home and fighting agony, I’m on my way back to work. I don’t like the feeling of being away again and living life on my own, but I guess this is exactly what I need to heal, move on and regain my usual self.

I still cannot vividly remember how am I four years past. You see, all my life while working here was grounded to the fact that I can reach out to someone anytime. From now on, it will be a lot different. No more long exchanges of chats, no more greetings and no definite person to ask if I’m doubtful of my decisions. This is going to take a lot of adjustments; and honestly, I am afraid.

I am viewed as strong and independent by many, little did they know that I was being dependent to one person all these times that’s why I can convey this persona. That’s also the reason why he got cold as I was becoming too dependent and vulnerable towards him. Now that he is gone, every thing seems to go back to the beginning. The case is, I don’t know where the start line really is.

Nevertheless, I have to commence somewhere. I am moving on not because the feeling has vanished; but certainly because I have to. I am in no comfort to dwell in the past for a long time. It will come everyday, I admit – the burden, the heaviness, the questions- but I have to remind myself that no one can help me now. I will remember him still in every corner of my room, in my workplace, in the bus, everywhere I often go; for he always knows my whereabouts. But I am on my own now, as difficult it is to accept, he has a changed of heart and I am left with this heartache and darkness. 

I am thankful that I was back home when this feeling sank in. The damage was too much that I cried like I never did before. I did not even know I can cry a river, how much more an ocean, but I sadly did. I can’t say I won’t do that again especially when loneliness and homesickness are my biggest challenges here. But I will try, yes I will consciously try not to overdo it. After all, I got no one to comfort me from now on. I don’t want my family to be worried, I want them to see how strong I am in facing this chapter.

What happened has been a definite messed up. A lot of people got involved in a supposed to be story of two individuals. It all happened fast, hard and chaotic. I did not want anyone to feel that way even. This is a lot for me to bear, so much to endure, very consuming and draining.

I have talked to trusted friends about it. Thankfully they were available for me. But then I’ve come to realize that no matter how they comfort me, if I would not decide myself, I will always go back to square one.

As much as I am thankful to them for being there for me, I cannot always disturb them because of my unstable emotions. They have a life of there own, more so, problems  to solve and issues to consider.

One day, I happen to pass by a message in social media regarding rejections. And I thought, this applies to me.  It says, God allows rejections because He loves me. And looking back, maybe this is all God’s intervention. I always say, I wouldn’t let go if he didn’t. All the red flags were there but I remained blind. I broke up with him initially, yes, and I was hoping for a better reconciliation , but what he did were out of context. 

Maybe, difficult it is to comprehend, but God was there all this time. He involved so many people and made them instruments for me to see that I am not in the place He desires for me. I was furious, I was devastated of the so many revelations. I was even accused of being at fault why everything is happening, but I guess, it was Him who runs the show from the very start. He wanted me to see the real colours of the people I am dealing with, and at the same time, learn my lessons the hard way.

Realizing this is hard, how much more to accept it. I am still in denial that this is truly what is happening. At times, I still hope for a come back although I know that is next to impossible. He is very decisive, I hope I am too. All I know is I have to live with my new normal – on my own, without him; but with all the opportunities ahead of me.

I don’t know what comes next. A lot says , someone more deserving is coming. I hope he is, I just don’t know when or how. I am not jumping to another relationship immediately after what I have been through, that’s for certain. I just hope and pray that wherever God leads me from this day forward will be better than the one I was supposed to settle for.  

Lead the way, Lord.

 

DJSoratorio

23February2022

(In an almost 24 hour journey to London)

That one night

A few days ago, I had one of the most spontaneous trip with two of the most logical people I know. With what I am going through since December of last year, that was exactly what I needed to shed some light in my clouded sky.

Our conversations happened with neither any influence of alcohol nor partying, it actually just occurred one evening. While the breeze was cool, the moon was in its most beautiful shape, in the midst of the sound of running river water, and the soft voices of some locals. It was a perfect night to get drunk and wasted, but we opted for pancit canton, kikiam and squid balls, instead. It was the best decision ever.

I cannot remember exactly how our conversations started. I personally wanted not to mention about what I am going through for I want to forget. But of course, interesting topics branches out to different directions. And I know, the people I am here with only wanted to help and enlighten me. They know my story from the very beginning, what else is there to hide. It was not a one- sided talk actually, what made it interesting was that our topics change like the free-flowing river in front of us.

That conversation led me to so many realizations. One, that I may feel all alone for the one that I thought I only have chose to leave for another, but God will always guide me to the right people who will make me realize it is not the end. It was never easy to accept, I am still in the process; But I am thankful to these people for guiding me while I walk in the valley of darkness and heartaches.

Secondly, that night, I’ve come to realize that by being myself I have made an impact to the people around me; so why change for someone who decides to leave when things becomes an inconvenience. I am who I am for a reason. At times, I just have to be reminded that I am not what I think I am because of what happened or because of what one person said. That night, I realized the red flags were always there, I was just too blinded to see them with naked eyes.

That same night also reminded me that I am simpler than I thought. I am not a party person, I actually prefer small circles, and long, real, genuine talks. Surprisingly, that night, we did not express our thoughts loudly nor laugh at the top of our voice, we just conversed softly and slowly like 3 mature individuals who don’t take ourselves seriously despite of what is going on inside us. It was indeed a night of pouring our hearts out.

That night was also about me realizing it is not the end but actually the beginning of more possibilities. These people emphasized to me that I deserve to be in a better state. I am not saying I got the better side of the coin because it is actually not the case. What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to settle for what is there, nor blame myself for what was gone, but I have to exactly know what is aligned with my visions and goals. I don’t know what will happen next. What I know is He led me to this, He will guide me through this.

Moreover, I thank these two people who were with me when I needed true individuals  to be with. I always keep my circle small and never tell our story to numerous people, even if we say they’re trust worthy. I trusted someone before and got betrayed. I’ve come to a conclusion, I don’t need a lot of people to listen to my side and so I can justify my actions. We all need 1 or 2 persons to be there for us and make us realize we are not perfect, and we will never will. That it’s okay to make mistakes and admit it. And in any kind of relationship, one cannot have all the blames. For the longest time, I was made to believe that what happened was all my fault. It is actually not.

I am not saying that one conversation will change everything all at once. But just like the most spoken prayer that says, ‘give us each day our daily bread’, those words were exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.

Indeed, at times, one single act can change the course of our actions. For me, that was my turning point. From here, I will move forward along with the lessons of this chapter. I will not close my door to any possibilities but one thing is certain, from this time onwards, I will prioritize self love. Thanks to that one night.

 

DJSoratorio

Feb 19 2022

(Me in the midst of confusions, never ending questions and self- doubt)

(That one night happened on 17th of February 2022.)

Exact opposites

 Maybe we’re not really meant to be.

We’re exact opposites to begin with.

Maybe, we started at the wrong foot.

Maybe, we were not supposed to happen actually.

 

I vow for healthy stuffs, you have your vices.

It was a subject of argument but was eventually accepted.

You like to be the center of a crowd, I prefer my small circle.

Either way, we go where we are free to endeavor.

 

You limit me getting close with my boy friends, but I heard gossips about you and other girls.

I clinched about this, you react.

We can’t make both ends meet in this matter.

From time to time, this issue comes out of nowhere.

 

I want to spend most of my time with you, you think I’m being too clingy and dependent.

You were honest of your whereabouts, I tell whenever I’m asked.

I need reassurance, you said you don’t always love the person every day.

I say the words first, and at times, there was no reply. But you blurt them out on occasions, I must say.

 

I tolerated every red flags from the beginning.

I kept a deaf ear for years of negative comments.

I believed you’re not what they say.

I stood by what we have day by day.

 

Then the big fight came, all I asked was for you to reassure me and protect us.

But what you did is the opposite to my surprise.

You thought you’re doing nothing wrong, so you continued and played the game.

I blamed myself still for saying the words and for not weighing in.

 

I felt sorry and said sorry many times.

I pleaded and almost knelt if we spoke face to face.

We tried, you said, to salvage the relp.

Though, I can’t clearly see where it was tried to be saved.

 

When all we did was fight and throw harsh words.

Still, I explained, you did what you did.

Still, I asked for a chance, I asked for us.

Every word went to deaf ears and hardened heart up to the lasts.

 

Sadly, or maybe, it was more convenient  to find a new one than resurrect the old flame.

Maybe, we are really opposites, that when I knew the truth I wanted us back.

But you already had someone that made us three in the game.

You said I did betray you about certain matters I lack.

 

I said we can still make this if we both work for it.

We tried, yes you said we tried, but a fall back awaits, that’s the prob.

Now, I am shattered with pain and aching heart.

Still, I don’t want to let you go for a part of me still says we can make a new start.

 

A big part of you is already with someone else, just roughly a month after this all started.

That was fast, but you said you informed me ahead and I agreed.

That was fast, but you said you don’t want to hurt her again because of me.

That was fast for me, but I guess you needed that.

 

I cannot understand, my heart refuses to give up.

I cannot understand, why all of a sudden these are all happening.

I cannot understand, and maybe will never will.

But one thing I’m certain, what we had was true. I sacrificed a lot just like you.

 

I refuse to believe this is our final outcome.

The emotions and feelings are still as strong as day one.

I still wish and pray we can start all over and forget the now.

 If only there is just you and me in the picture, and our vow.

 

Now, I don’t know if I should stay hoping or let you be.

My mind says another thing, my heart says otherwise.

Me novice in love that’s what they say.

What I know is, I/ we committed together four years ago to stay.

 

I did wrong, you did wrong.

But it seems I’m the only one being blamed for what’s happening.

I don’t know how you do it, but I’m almost battered now.

I suffer while you go your merry way.

 

Maybe this is just a detour in our story, just maybe.

Too early to say but might be too late to save what could be.

I wish I am as strong as you, I wish I am as decisive as you, I wish I move on as quickly as you.

I wish we’re not exact opposites so I would know what to do.

But all things said and done, I still love us, I still love you.

 

 

DJSoratorio

08Feb2022

(at the verge of giving up)

Strong. Independent.You.Are

My strong, independent persona is deeply rooted to my past learning and present realizations. It is not always due to impulse nor pride but more of, "I have learned my lesson." 

I decide based on experiences and other people's knowledge of what might go right or wrong if I do this or that. The question I always ask myself is, " What is the right thing to do?" at the moment. And more often than not, I am led to the most epic of life's highlights.

You see, all my life I have given full attention and importance to other people's opinion or instruction. It has always been a wait-and-see if he/she agrees. I have acknowledged other's lives and end up waiting for nothing.

Maybe that is why, as I age, I want to make this more about me and what I want to do than what he/she might have to say. Selfish others might see it; but as long as I feel good about something and not becoming a burden, I think I am in the right mind to do things that I want to do. 

Even walking in the rain, or going out when the weather is bad seems looked with a questioning face of, "Are you serious?". Most probably, it is because the general population, or the normal minds, would rather stay in bed and do the usual. Oh well, the last time I checked, I am a deviant.

Maybe, just maybe, I am tired of hearing other people's opinion or waiting for them to act out with me. Maybe, I had enough of procrastinations, assumptions and negativity that I now prefer to surround myself with good vibes. 

At some point, there is a downside to this mentality, but I want to look at it with optimism and a brave heart. I am not strong and independent for a minute reason, I am who I am because I believe that life should be spent not totally to please others, instead, to make the most out of what you are offered.

So the next time you are told - "It's not enjoyable to go out on a rainy day!", by all means go! And say, I used to enjoy getting wet when I was a child, and I still have that child in me at heart.

Or when somebody stops you from trying something out of the ordinary, keep in mind that life is a big adventure, and only those who really try, lives.

Or when you are thrown with a look of weirdness for throwing a party for others on your birthday, never mind and continue touching other people's lives. It is not every day when you are given the opportunity to help out.

And most importantly, when ifs and what ifs hinder you from going somewhere, plan and take your essentials with you, and if it so happens that no one wants to accompany you, still continue; along the way, you'll meet the right people who have the same interest as you.

Believe me, it feels so right to accomplish something on your own. ;)



NOTE: This is an output made in a nearby cafe under the light rain; and in between sips of warm lemon juice. Thus, the picture. :)

No gifts. No problem

Less than three hours before calling it a day, I have not received any material birthday gift. No chocolates, no cakes, no boxes wrapped in fancy papers. No one handed me a piece of anything that is generally considered a symbol of love and appreciation.

If I were 20 years old, I would be in my bed, closing the doors and assuming a fetal position. If it were not for the lessons I have learned, I would be crying my heart and feeling so lonely and neglected. If I had not experienced hardships or saw other people struggle, the absence of wrapped, tangible presents would have made me ask the Big Man “why”.

I am thankful that that’s not the case. I may not have received anything that resembles possession and monetary wealth, but I certainly feel that I am rich.

I am rich because of the friends that encircle me. Compared to others, I have a very small circle of friends whom I consider real, truthful brothers and sisters. These people enrich my life with laughter and understanding of what good times really mean. They have been my positive energy in a world full of negativity. I am rich because I have a few, but never absent backups when circumstances drag me down.

I am rich because I have the capacity to help others. I am not saying this means I get to lend other people cash, rather; I am in a position to serve people in different ways every single day. Education, good parenting and keen observation have made me realize the significance of helping even in the simplest of opening the door for an elderly, listening to a friend’s story and being an advocate for someone who needs assistance. 

I am rich because I have a family who’s always there for me. We do not always live a comfortable life. In fact, my parents have struggled a lot in order to provide for our daily needs. Despite the hardships, my parents have never wavered in supporting us with our endeavors, helping us every step of the way; making sure that we are given the right push as we journey in life. My parents never complained and I have never felt very poor because they shower us with all that they have - food, shelter, comfort, care, and lots of love.

I am rich because of my experiences. I have through so many wonderful and lesson-filled encounters in the past few years. Although not all of them are worthy of being remembered, nor proudly broadcasted, all in all, my experiences have been an important element in molding me to become a person who understands that not everything comes in silver platter. Most of the time, the sweetest victory comes from measured patience and battles fought harder.

I am very rich because of Him. All glory is always brought back to the big Man up there. I can’t think of the right words to say; but one thing is for sure - I am rich and will be richer and stronger physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially because of His providence. Never forsaken, never forgotten, always loved and cared.

Maybe, just maybe, this mindset has to come with age. Nonetheless, I am thankful that I take this way. No hard feelings. No bitterness. No expectations. No gifts. No problem.

What I learned and still learning

I am very new to what has always been a hot topic for ages – relationships.  You see, I had my first serious commitment at the age of 30. Woohoo! That’s for the books. :D But looking at the brighter side, I am thankful that I did not have to deal with the aches brought about by “love life” at an earlier age, rather, I was able to enjoy a lot of “me” time before engaging in another time-consuming, mind-boggling, attention-seeking engagement.

Several months into a relationship that is rooted in friendship, I can fairly say that I have learned so much about me and how different men are. Although, mine took some time to finally end up being a real commitment, I can say that it came when I am almost ready for it.

Men shows love in a different way. This is one thing I have realized earlier in this relationship. While women like a lot of time spent with them, sweet words, and out-of-the-movie scenarios, men always keep it real; or just my man, maybe. But yes, he or they prioritize different things at different times and you are not always on top of the list. Although they think of you, I presume, I guess they tend to enjoy life in the company of different individuals whom they are accustomed to even before you came into their life.

Men say a few words or sometimes keep issues hanging. It will be resolved in due time as they believe so. My man listens to my rants, my complaints, my “emotional instability”, but only when he is so fed up that he answers back. And most of time, he makes me realize that I am neither a saint nor the victim. Rather, I am the one who should understand and become less dramatic because really, there is no issue at all.

Men express love more through actions. My man shows it by making simple gestures that might seem unnoticeable at first glance. Like fetching me from work, letting me have the first taste of his cooked meal, or simply bringing me fruits which I really love. Simple gestures and nothing romantic but I guess, they make this relationship less complicated. I mean, you don’t have to be so attached to a material thing that reminds you of him day in and day out. You simply have the confidence that you have someone out there who belongs to you and vice versa.

Men despite their age will always have vices that you have to deal with. Generally speaking, there will always be something that they can’t let go of. Some or most of it you might not approve of but maybe, just maybe, you have to learn to live with it or at least help them minimize spending so much time with these stuffs. Ours passed by a rocky road when we began, or is still passing it sometimes, because of the things that he enjoys doing. However, time taught me that these things are far less dangerous than other women, and with that mindset, I calm down. As long as it does not involve cheating, we are good.

What I have learned and the things that I will continuously learn in this thing called love is still a long way to go. Nevertheless, I am glad that I am at this stage- discovering, realizing and making new experiences. I hope and pray that whatever, or wherever, this relationship leads us, it will be something that we can forever cherish as individuals. #BestyWins